Day 7 – Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For

Today’s topic suggests that there have been times where I’ve doubted the significance to my continued existence and, like so many people, these thoughts have plagued my mind on many occasions. I can even recall thinking about it at the age of five, sat cross-legged on the floor in a school assembly. I’ve had the thoughts and I’ve even considered my methods and approach to the day but, I’ve never had the serious intent to follow it through (maybe I should carefully consider this for another post?).

Maybe there’s an element of fear that’s held me back in the past; all the unanswered questions and the risk that it may not go as according to plan. I can’t think of any one thing (or person) that has ‘kept me alive’ in the past but, I can certainly think of one person in my life today who has given me new reason to live.

Day 7 – Someone Who Has Made My Life Worth Living For

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Six Days Later

Continuing on from Being Friends, there was actually one piece of information that I forgot to include near the end of that story. I mentioned that I’d eaten quorn sausages the night before. What I forgot to add was that, the next morning, my stomach was roaring inside! I wasn’t in any great pain (a little discomfort) and I’ve definitely felt worse in the past but, I decided to try and hold it in for those final hours as I feared it was one of those that was ‘going to make a mess’ and, probably leave a bad smell in her bathroom… It felt like a large cloud of wind, if I’m honest! Generally speaking though, I have concerns over using anyone’s toilet that wasn’t my own.

Bear with me because, there is relevance to this…

When I first met ‘Jan’, I was still very nervous around her. Even in times where I felt comfortable with her, there were awkward silences. In order to try to fill these (without knowing what to say), I would try to make light of the situation or discussion and some kind of joke (as my dad has always done – he seems to have a ‘way’ with women although, thinking about it now, he’s equally as good at p***ing people off…). Jan’s stomach often made noises in the time that I’d known her. Whether she was hungry or full; she cited her medication as the cause and I would gently humour it to try and ease her embarrassment; kindly asking her to be quiet, to keep the noise down or just to go ‘ssshhhhh‘ while the TV was on. She would genuinely laugh with me each time so, I saw no reason to stop. I thought she liked it. Continue reading

Three Months

Looking at my watch earlier today (it was a looong day at work), I realised that it is exactly three-months to the date since ‘May’ and I first met in person. Okay, it was actually a Sunday and not a Monday but, it was on the 17th of June.

Whatever happens in the future, I will always treasure that day, along with the memories and feelings I’ve been focusing on since I realised the date. Later on this evening, I’ll see if I can use all of this to write something… I’m writing this short post now to help encourage myself in case I come up against a struggle.

There are two things I feel I need to confront her about. Partly, to clear my own mind but also, to get a better idea and understanding of what she wants from me. But, I do need to be very careful. If I catch at the wrong time, it could create the end an end to our friendship (that’s my biggest fear). But then, I also fear that she may not need to be in a depressive state to take it the wrong way.

We did talk and share things briefly over the weekend. I suppose she could just ignore me… But, I’m really hoping for some kind of ‘resolution’ and honest answers that may help to put my mind and its fears at ease…

Being Friends

This follows on from my First Date post.

I awoke the next morning to find a text message from Jan, simply asking whether I’d made it home safely. I guess she was waiting and hoping to hear from me first and, I would’ve texted her sooner, if only I hadn’t felt so flat that morning. From the minute I walked in the door late on Saturday night, I knew I was missing her company. I was all alone again. Anyway, I told her how nice it was to meet her, how I’d look forward to seeing her again and she replied to say that I should’ve just said “I think you’re fat and ugly“, exclaiming that she wanted her books back! She wasn’t the only feeling low and, later that day, at my mum’s house, I burst in to tears when she asked me about how the day had gone.

After a few days, I spoke to her on the phone and she seemed to have calmed down considerably. She was deeply apologetic; stating that she gets like that sometimes because of her condition and that she never meant to react in such a way. We agreed that I would see her again in two-weeks’ time, while we both kept looking for other matches on the dating website. I would’ve gone up to see her sooner but, she has her daughter with her every other weekend.

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First Date

It was only a few days before Christmas last year when I joined a dating website for the very first time. I was terrified but, I also felt it would be a good way of meeting someone; maybe even finding my first relationship… I’ve never been very outgoing, in the social sense and, like a lot of people, I’m just so very lonely at times. Especially in the winter, when it’s cold most days and we see very little daylight. Anyway, I joined this one site, looked around and realised that most of the profiles were probably ‘inactive’ – despite having payed for a subscription here, I wasn’t even getting a profile view after sending someone a message, let alone a reply. So, I moved on to another site…

This was Match.com; the one that many people are familiar with. It seems to have a better reputation than most, even though you still have to pay to use most of its services. I had a good look around at various profiles, receiving some views in return. After the shock of discovering my sister on there (almost enough to deter anyone – no disrespect to her personally!!), I also found one of her friends! But, there was someone else, who I only knew as Emily… She wasn’t ‘average’. There was no fake tan. She was quiet, creative, artistic and seemed to enjoy the outdoors. I felt as though she was everything I was looking for but, I felt overwhelmed by the natural beauty of her profile photos…

It took a few days but, I eventually plucked up the courage to spend £30 on a month’s membership and message her. After two weeks, I messaged again but, still, nothing. It wasn’t until the beginning of February that I did hear back from her; telling me how she wasn’t ignoring me and that she was taking a break from looking for a relationship at the moment with her life being ‘up in the air’. I sent her a reply, thanking her for the response and offering to be a friend but then, her photos vanished, right before her entire profile was removed, just as she said it would.

If there is such a thing as an ‘online romance’ then, I still believe to this day that this would’ve been it for me. One of the only reasons I’ve kept an active profile on this site since meeting May is because I hope to virtually meet Emily again. Maybe this winter? I also forked out for a six-month subscription only days before meeting May on one of the free sites but hey, I’m still single right now.

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Heartache

After my actions last night, I fear that I may be about to lose the friendship of someone I dearly care about. Once again, I’m referring to ‘May’, who I’ve known for all of three-months (actually, it’s very close to four, now). Because of her deep depression (bipolar disorder), she often goes in to states where she shuts herself off from the world (including most of her friends). This is probably something that many of use can relate to; I’m just not use to seeing it in a person for such a prolonged period. It can be days or even weeks before I hear from her. Usually, I have to almost ‘provoke’ her (in a complementary way) just to get something.

Last night, I told her how much I missed talking to her, how I always accept her for who she is and that I had exciting things happening (writing, blogging and poetry) that I wanted to share with her. I received a response with some expression of interest and, after a few messages, I she accepted my invitation to see one of my poems…

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Is This Love?

So, I mentioned in my last post that I’m deeply in love with someone. Having not truly felt this way before, I’d like to talk about it here and get a few things out of my head and off of my chest. I do not know for certain that this is a feeling of love… How do you know?! But, I’ve felt physical attractions towards people of the opposite sex before and, this is certainly much more than that!

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