Always Waiting

So, last night – I seem to begin a lot of posts while speaking in the past-tense. It seems rare that I ever seem to talk about how or where I am right now… Hmmmm.

Anyway, yesterday evening, I came to a rather shocking realisation about myself whilst lying on my settee, casually watching a DVD and contemplating. How I came to this understanding, I feel, relates to a link which a good friend of mine shared on Facebook earlier in the day, with a quote which relates to meditation and how we can find ourselves afraid to look in to the depths of the murky water once the ripples have faded and calmness is achieved. That’s certainly one reason I don’t meditate as often as I could but, I now need to get to the point of this post.

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Meditation’s What I Need

We still have a few hours until Monday officially arrives (ie. the weekend isn’t even over yet) but I can confidently say that this weekend has been a great one! Very busy, highly productive and I feel like I’ve really done something positive with my time. I have no regrets! 🙂

It all started with the usual monthly meditation morning… Continue reading

Hole in Me

I’ve had one of those days where I managed to start but didn’t want to keep going. And then, not long before it was time to go home, positive energy sprung out from within and I was almost wanting to stay on later and beyond my means! The human mind is a very complicated thing. If I was still at work now, I wouldn’t have made it to the meditation class earlier this evening, where we talked about the brain, the mind and Buddhist beliefs of life after death.

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Something New

It’s been a few weeks since I last logged-in and wrote here and that also means that you’ve ‘missed’ the end to my CBT course. It was strange last week; to arrive home on a Monday evening with nowhere to go… At the same time though, it was welcome to have an evening at the start of a long week where I could just relax!

As that course ended, we were encouraged to ‘fill that space’ with something. If we’re able to allow ourselves to spend two hours of one evening each week on doing something that we want to do; an activity from which we’ll benefit then surely, that space remains available for a different activity.

I’ve been aware (and interested) that Positive Step offer an eight-week course in Mindfulness. But attending that course is not as straight-forward as you might expect… A telephone conversation/interview with the course leader is required before hand, so that you can both assess whether it will suit you personally. Because it requires quite a commitment for anyone not currently practising on a very regular basis… You’re required to practice mindfulness for forty-five minutes each and every night in your own spare time! But also, the next course doesn’t start until the new year and so, that would’ve been a rather long wait.

I don’t see any personal benefit from the Anger Management course (which they’ve recently renamed) and without repeating either of the two courses I’ve already completed, that would leave me with just the Assertiveness course to follow… Which I’ve decided to ‘postpone’ for the time being, simply because it is the one offering that involves ROLE PLAY!! :-S

Anyway, this week – tonight, in fact – I’ve begun a new regular dose of doing something that benefits me…

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Week 4…

I’m sat here now, having been wanting to write this post all week and yet, I feel as though it’s already been done… That’s partly because it’s been on my mind a lot (feeling a sense of ‘urgency’ and necessity, in spite of a lack of time); but also, there’s a recurrent photo theme that continues on from last week’s belated update.

Had I not just checked my home page before writing this, I would be about to tell you about how I visited Weston-super-Mare after the course on Monday night… Instead, I’m going to tell you the truth from Monday 29th July. I’ll let you know where I did go… But instead of my CBT course!

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Thought Stopping

As I sit here, preparing to write this post, I look forward with no definite plans for the day. It’s been a great weekend so far though, as I’ve managed to see all three of my close friends within less than twenty-four hours (including meeting one of them for the very first time)!

Thought Stopper Wristband

I’d like to start by talking to you about the band I’m wearing around my wrist in the photo above. I apologise that this photo isn’t perfect and you can see large marking where the lens on my phone’s camera is slightly scratched. This is known as a Thought Stopper; an item designed to help those suffering from the likes of depression and anxiety; a means of preventing the need to self-harm.

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Bridge to Buddha Days!

A lot has happened over this weekend and it’s fair to say that it’s been a busy one. I can remember leaving work, arriving home with my food shopping and sitting down at my laptop to relax for the first time in almost a week; as if that was only yesterday… Another week is about to begin (for some, that’s already started) and I’m finding it hard to keep you all updated with my latest endeavours. Instead of starting in chronological order though, I’m going to begin by sharing my Saturday morning experience of a Buddhist Meditation!

Bristol Buddhist Centre – Gloucester Road, Bristol

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T’ai Chi, Anyone?

Talking to someone earlier, she told me how she has used martial arts in the past to build on her confidence. I know from my brief experience in counselling that meditation can work well for me and, as a kid, I always wanted to learn karate; I never had the confidence to even admit to it; fearing that I wouldn’t good enough.

Now, I’m an adult; moving ever closer to the big 3-0. I’m growing within myself and, as the persistent grey clouds Christmas begin to clear, I’m looking forward with more optimism for myself. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday, where I’ll again raise my issues with depression and will enquire about the availability of CBT among other things.

(Photo credit: Londontaichi.org.uk)

As you might have already guessed, I’m also thinking about the possibility of learning some form of martial art this year.

Have you ever tried T’ai Chi?

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Honesty

I feel I could or should be sat here now, thinking and coming up with a list of resolutions for the impending new year. Already, I’ve decided that there is one change I am going to try and enforce, day by day and that is to be completely honest with people.

I’ve always considered myself to be an honest person but, as I’m sure many of you will understand; certain situations arrive where it seems easier to lie about your thoughts and feelings. To ‘go with the flow’ for an easier ride.

If I don’t like something, I’m not going to pretend that I’m interested. If I disagree with a statement or procedure at work, I’m going to make my voice heard. This isn’t going to be easy and, if I look at the full picture, it’s going to distort be come an overwhelming blur. That’s why I’m aiming to take it one day at a time. As each day comes. Instead of looking for things, I’ll allow them to happen.

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Instant Confidence?

I wrote the other day to say that I’d been feeling quite good about things generally. To be honest, I still am but, as I now realise how ‘soul-destroying’ my day-job is (my counsellor believes it is affecting my attempts to boost my self-esteem), it’s easy for me to feel low again, especially during the weekday evenings. I’m a bit stressed about seeing my dad later for a bit of a family gathering as we celebrate someone’s special occasion. I’m looking forward to seeing the others as it has been too long but, around my dad, I never feel comfortable and, I’m hoping that, in time, I’ll be able to write something (like a poem) about it all. It’s still something I haven’t yet talked about away from this blog.

Feeling quite stressed and agitated this afternoon, I decided to give Paul McKenna’s CD a try. Continue reading