Talking to someone earlier, she told me how she has used martial arts in the past to build on her confidence. I know from my brief experience in counselling that meditation can work well for me and, as a kid, I always wanted to learn karate; I never had the confidence to even admit to it; fearing that I wouldn’t good enough.
Now, I’m an adult; moving ever closer to the big 3-0. I’m growing within myself and, as the persistent grey clouds Christmas begin to clear, I’m looking forward with more optimism for myself. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday, where I’ll again raise my issues with depression and will enquire about the availability of CBT among other things.
(Photo credit: Londontaichi.org.uk)
As you might have already guessed, I’m also thinking about the possibility of learning some form of martial art this year.
I feel I could or should be sat here now, thinking and coming up with a list of resolutions for the impending new year. Already, I’ve decided that there is one change I am going to try and enforce, day by day and that is to be completely honest with people.
I’ve always considered myself to be an honest person but, as I’m sure many of you will understand; certain situations arrive where it seems easier to lie about your thoughts and feelings. To ‘go with the flow’ for an easier ride.
If I don’t like something, I’m not going to pretend that I’m interested. If I disagree with a statement or procedure at work, I’m going to make my voice heard. This isn’t going to be easy and, if I look at the full picture, it’s going to distort be come an overwhelming blur. That’s why I’m aiming to take it one day at a time. As each day comes. Instead of looking for things, I’ll allow them to happen.
I wrote the other day to say that I’d been feeling quite good about things generally. To be honest, I still am but, as I now realise how ‘soul-destroying’ my day-job is (my counsellor believes it is affecting my attempts to boost my self-esteem), it’s easy for me to feel low again, especially during the weekday evenings. I’m a bit stressed about seeing my dad later for a bit of a family gathering as we celebrate someone’s special occasion. I’m looking forward to seeing the others as it has been too long but, around my dad, I never feel comfortable and, I’m hoping that, in time, I’ll be able to write something (like a poem) about it all. It’s still something I haven’t yet talked about away from this blog.
I’ve been wanting to write some more poetry for the last few days and, although I’ve written several first ‘paragraphs’ (is it a paragraph or a verse?), I’m struggling to build on that. It doesn’t feel like a block, it’s more like confusion. I know that all these thoughts and words are in my head; they’re like coloured balls in a giant ball pit and I fighting my way through. Except, identifying their colour doesn’t help and I cannot clearly see what I’m looking for.