Well, the title isn’t quite the perfect fit for this posting but, I did venture out to Blaise Castle this afternoon in an attempt to try and rid myself of some of the emotion I’ve been feeling over the whole ‘May’ situation this week. As you may remember, it was the very first ‘adventure’ I went on, back in August. I already had the majority of photos I needed and only really went back with the intention of capturing the two caves I was unable to snap before. Also, it is a place that I associate with my memory of and feelings for May. When we first met online, we talked about going here together. It never happened and, I did feel a bit ‘guilty’ going there alone. It’s one of a few places that will always remind me of her… Some may say that it’s best to avoid those kind of situations. However, I’m trying to be strong. If we end up avoiding things, we end up living in fear and, I can honestly say that I’ve spent enough of my life living in fear.
As I sit here typing this now, I should be arriving in Bristol and thinking about parking up for my evening course in the next few minutes. I made it through the day at work okay (it involves more practical work than social interaction) but, with all that’s been in my head this week and, the fact that I’ve failed to find the extra 130 words, I’ve made a decision not to go in this evening.
I’m not close to tears or anything like that. I don’t feel flat but, I don’t feel in despair either. My meditations, I believe, have left me in this emotionless state that I can’t describe… I just can’t face having to sit in a room with others who’ve probably completed the introductions to their stories and having to share my own un-finished effort. I don’t feel like a failure and I don’t fear judgement from my class. I don’t know; it just feels very intense being there in such a small room… Maybe I should’ve chosen to do an art course first?
This does feel similar to the kind of behaviour that I exhibited in the final year of my A-Levels in Year 13, where I began to believe that it was ‘okay’ to start missing the odd lesson, which proceeded in to days and weeks until I was caught out and subsequently dropped out. This course is only one evening a week so, I don’t believe that I will fall in to the same habit. When I do return next week, I’m sure I’ll receive only sympathy, if anything at all. It’s certainly nothing to fear.
Maybe I secretly desire a bit of attention?
I’ve e-mailed my tutor to say that I’ve been struggling with personal issues this week, I’ve struggled with my 360 words and that I just cannot face it tonight. Is this my way of saying ‘I suffer from anxiety and depression‘?
I really can’t describe my mood right now… I’m not happy but I’m not sad. Neither am ‘flat’, as I often do feel. It just feels like there’s a block on my mind and everything. I know that I’m struggling to accept that May is back with her boyfriend and everything that comes with that. I’ve been to the local Tesco already to buy milk and dog food so, I know I’m not totally in fear of all people this evening.
I need to arrange an appointment with my GP soon. There’s one medical issue that I need to follow up on and I’m also going to try and talk openly about getting a referral to a psychiatrist. Is it social anxiety or, is it something more? I believe in trying to do what one can to help oneself and now, I’m feeling stronger, in the sense that I may be able to face up to and handle some realities. I’m going to e-mail my counsellor about some things as well to see what they think.
Thank you for reading. 🙂