Hole in Me

I’ve had one of those days where I managed to start but didn’t want to keep going. And then, not long before it was time to go home, positive energy sprung out from within and I was almost wanting to stay on later and beyond my means! The human mind is a very complicated thing. If I was still at work now, I wouldn’t have made it to the meditation class earlier this evening, where we talked about the brain, the mind and Buddhist beliefs of life after death.

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Staying In

As I sit here typing this now, I should be arriving in Bristol and thinking about parking up for my evening course in the next few minutes. I made it through the day at work okay (it involves more practical work than social interaction) but, with all that’s been in my head this week and, the fact that I’ve failed to find the extra 130 words, I’ve made a decision not to go in this evening.

I’m not close to tears or anything like that. I don’t feel flat but, I don’t feel in despair either. My meditations, I believe, have left me in this emotionless state that I can’t describe… I just can’t face having to sit in a room with others who’ve probably completed the introductions to their stories and having to share my own un-finished effort. I don’t feel like a failure and I don’t fear judgement from my class. I don’t know; it just feels very intense being there in such a small room… Maybe I should’ve chosen to do an art course first?

This does feel similar to the kind of behaviour that I exhibited in the final year of my A-Levels in Year 13, where I began to believe that it was ‘okay’ to start missing the odd lesson, which proceeded in to days and weeks until I was caught out and subsequently dropped out. This course is only one evening a week so, I don’t believe that I will fall in to the same habit. When I do return next week, I’m sure I’ll receive only sympathy, if anything at all. It’s certainly nothing to fear.

Maybe I secretly desire a bit of attention?

I’ve e-mailed my tutor to say that I’ve been struggling with personal issues this week, I’ve struggled with my 360 words and that I just cannot face it tonight. Is this my way of saying ‘I suffer from anxiety and depression‘?

I really can’t describe my mood right now… I’m not happy but I’m not sad. Neither am ‘flat’, as I often do feel. It just feels like there’s a block on my mind and everything. I know that I’m struggling to accept that May is back with her boyfriend and everything that comes with that. I’ve been to the local Tesco already to buy milk and dog food so, I know I’m not totally in fear of all people this evening.

I need to arrange an appointment with my GP soon. There’s one medical issue that I need to follow up on and I’m also going to try and talk openly about getting a referral to a psychiatrist. Is it social anxiety or, is it something more? I believe in trying to do what one can to help oneself and now, I’m feeling stronger, in the sense that I may be able to face up to and handle some realities. I’m going to e-mail my counsellor about some things as well to see what they think.

Thank you for reading. 🙂

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Several times on this blog, I’ve made reference to the fact that I’ve been living back at my mum’s house since the beginning of August and that, as much as I enjoyed the space and independence of living alone, I wasn’t happy overall with the conditions of where I was living. Money was one factor that bought me home. I did look around for other properties not too far away but, there wasn’t much that I could realistically afford.

It’s also fair to say that I’m not entirely happy living back at mum’s and that I often feel ‘confined’ and as though I’m less able to relax and express myself (even if I am warm). I don’t wish to dwell on any of the negatives associated with either situation right now. Instead, I’m going to take a little advice from the author of Reflections on Life So Far and I’ll trying to focus on the positives of where I am and everything I am grateful for, living here.

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Three Months

Looking at my watch earlier today (it was a looong day at work), I realised that it is exactly three-months to the date since ‘May’ and I first met in person. Okay, it was actually a Sunday and not a Monday but, it was on the 17th of June.

Whatever happens in the future, I will always treasure that day, along with the memories and feelings I’ve been focusing on since I realised the date. Later on this evening, I’ll see if I can use all of this to write something… I’m writing this short post now to help encourage myself in case I come up against a struggle.

There are two things I feel I need to confront her about. Partly, to clear my own mind but also, to get a better idea and understanding of what she wants from me. But, I do need to be very careful. If I catch at the wrong time, it could create the end an end to our friendship (that’s my biggest fear). But then, I also fear that she may not need to be in a depressive state to take it the wrong way.

We did talk and share things briefly over the weekend. I suppose she could just ignore me… But, I’m really hoping for some kind of ‘resolution’ and honest answers that may help to put my mind and its fears at ease…