Muddled

Sorry, I just can’t contain this in my head tonight. I need to let it out!

So, earlier this evening, I sent ‘May’ a message on Facebook to see if she might be free tomorrow (when I first met her, Wednesday was one of her days off as she worked all weekend). She replies to say that the rotas have changed and that she’s only free on Saturdays now. That’s fine, she did mention some time ago that it all might change. I’m okay with everything so far.

She mentions that it’s ‘bad’ for her because it means she won’t get to see her boyfriend (I guess he works Saturdays or, he’s out with his son). I replied to say that it sounds as though they’ve worked things out and that I’m pleased for her (I genuinely am; as long as she is happy and is where she wants to be).

I wish I’d just done the obvious thing and asked her if she was free this coming Saturday… (It sounds like she may be). Because, I sent her reply and it came up as having been ‘read’ a minute or so later – Facebook can torture and anxious mind; telling you when your message has been read, even hours or days after you sent it!

So, if she read it so quickly then, why didn’t she reply?

It came via her phone so, I guess she could be busy. But, this isn’t the first time where I’ve experienced this and I now expect the ‘conversation’ to continue (over the coming weeks) with four or five messages of me apparently talking to myself (no responses from her).

My mind says that I’ve again touched on something concerning her relationship. Is she really happy? Are they really all loved-up and stable again? Was she secretly hoping that I would again express my feelings for her, with a little added jealousy?

This is driving me nuts simply because I like her and I have nothing else in my life to distract my anxieties.

I’m going to try and focus on making an arrangement to meet up again soon. All going well, it could be this Saturday but, I’ll now give her a day or two before asking (I don’t like pester; only to fester within in my own mind!). If I can meet with her, I will find a time to sit down and apologise to her for ‘mis-reading’ her intentions as only friends. At least then, I might get a straight answer, away from her boyfriend. I am tempted to question how I hurt her by rejoining a dating site about five-weeks ago when she was getting back with him but, that’s not the sort of question I should begin any conversation with.

It’s coming, I know it. I’ve been dreading this for most of the time that I’ve known her and I fear that it could all be over soon.

Then, what?

Back to nothing. No-one. Emptiness, more pain and a loss of hope.

It needs a resolution, you can all see that, however you read the story as I have tried to recreate it. I just hope I’m strong enough to survive the ending that hasn’t yet been written…

Heartache

After my actions last night, I fear that I may be about to lose the friendship of someone I dearly care about. Once again, I’m referring to ‘May’, who I’ve known for all of three-months (actually, it’s very close to four, now). Because of her deep depression (bipolar disorder), she often goes in to states where she shuts herself off from the world (including most of her friends). This is probably something that many of use can relate to; I’m just not use to seeing it in a person for such a prolonged period. It can be days or even weeks before I hear from her. Usually, I have to almost ‘provoke’ her (in a complementary way) just to get something.

Last night, I told her how much I missed talking to her, how I always accept her for who she is and that I had exciting things happening (writing, blogging and poetry) that I wanted to share with her. I received a response with some expression of interest and, after a few messages, I she accepted my invitation to see one of my poems…

Continue reading