I Know I’m Alive

In spite of recent questions and fears for my own state of person, I managed to remind myself last night (with the added reassurance of a friend’s words) that I am still alive and un-zombie-like.

If you haven’t seen the film Interstellar then I implore you to watch it.

Don’t go off watching trailers or Googling for any informations at all (unless you’re shopping)… You really do not want to risk spoiling an ounce of the experience.

Because that’s what this production is. This film is far removed from your generic ‘space adventure movie’… There are no aliens, I didn’t see any guns and, most importantly, I cannot think of any other film (including Marley and Me, here) that has made me cry and feel so much all throughout.

I know I am alive today because this music raises every hair on my body each time I listen to it. It’s now been a year since I experienced Interstellar in the cinema and I regularly relive these emotions thanks to the DVD.

By all means, listen to the music and see how you feel. But also watch the film. Embrace it, welcome it. Don’t research it. I’m sure that 99.9% of you will not regret it, if you haven’t already done so. 🙂

It’s also regarded as one of the most scientifically-accurate space films, for those of you who like your science. If you don’t feel like crying even once though, it possibly means you’re more of a man than I am… Or not? 😉

Thanks for reading.

Week Two Review

After my second week on the Self-Esteem CBT course, I’m again feeling slightly elated and rather content this evening! Then again, it’s been a while since I’ve felt any crushing lows now and that should be evident within my weekly test scores on the questionnaires we’re given.

I saw down, wanting to start writing this a little earlier and so, some of my thoughts have slipped to the back of my mind… But, I did make some notes on the back of my handout (in fact, I recommend) and so, by referring to them, I’m hoping that I can share everything I intended in the room. 😉

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Realising?

Hello everyone!

I’m a bit of a bad blogger and I’ve become very good at ‘avoiding’ this blog and those of yours I now feel unable to catch up with (the e-mails arrive weekly and remain unread, before they’re replaced by a new set, seven-days later).

I don’t know how to describe how I am, how I’ve been or how I’m feeling. Up and down is about as close as I can get… I’m just ‘coping’ with things but it doesn’t feel positive. It’s awkward, each day at work is uncomfortable. I try to keep sight of the weekend but it then takes me hours to get out of the bed and to get moving (these low temperatures in the early morning are not helping).

We’ve just had a Bank Holiday weekend in the UK… Saturday, I don’t remember much of whatever I did at home but it was lunchtime by the time I ate “breakfast”. Sunday started much in the same way but I did manage to force myself out for a little walk at lunchtime and soon found myself meditating (if only for ten-minutes) on top of a tall and windy hill with other people moving around me. Actually, I did feel good walking the descent. But that changed when I got home and, on Monday, I felt a kind of ‘illness’ that I cannot describe… I lay in bed until 1pm. I felt all kinds of ‘awful’ for the rest of the day. So many thoughts spinning around inside; I’ve begun to contemplate some terrible things of late (a reason I’m avoiding this blog) and, to be honest, I keep looking for an ‘excuse’ to walk out of my job (as I did in 2007) and to then maybe run myself down…

All that time spent lying idly in bed (awake from 5am not sleeping and un-tired) has lent me plenty of time to think and I feel I’ve made a couple of stark realisations…

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Cutting Out Caffeine

Another ‘stunning’ image from my smartphone’s camera provides the prompt for this evening’s post!

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Decaf Tea Bags – Ready for Work!

 

I’ve mentioned before on this blog that in-taking large amounts of caffeine can recreate the effects and symptoms of anxiety in an average person. This is something that was affirmed to me by my CBT worker when we met a few weeks back.

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Thoughts on Depression

I was talking the mum about many things the other evening and, in my attempt to be completely honest with people from this year on; I began by telling her that I only needed her to listen when I talk. That her opinion or advice is not something I am asking for and that some things she said before Christmas only made me feel guilty. She took this well and so, the conversation went on and lasted for some time.

Mum told me about the first time she had seen me ‘like this’ and that was over a decade ago, when I was secretly skipping lessons during my A-Levels at school. This merged in to days before transforming in to weeks. I still don’t know how I got away with it for so long or, to be honest, why I ever did it. I can remember being home the day my mum answered a call from the Head of Sixth Form… I think I was supposed to be in one that day yet, I was hidden upstairs in my room. Maybe even lying in bed; listening and waiting.

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Book Review: ‘When Someone You Love is Bipolar’

You may remember that I bought myself a book to learn more about bipolar disorder from a first person perspective. That was back in October, I think.

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When Someone You Love is Bipolar: Help and Support for You and Your Partner

A few days ago, I finished reading this book and now, I feel ready to share a few brief thoughts…
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Disappointment

This morning, I was awoken at 4.50am by the sound of my sister finally making her way upstairs and to bed (I have a downstairs bedroom and, since her job finished, she’s become ‘nocturnal’ again). As much as I tried though, I couldn’t quite fall back to sleep. I was awoken but more alert than tired. I was excited, for this was due to be the day where I would see my best friend for the first time in three months.

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‘Friends and Lovers’ (Incubus)

I’m suffering a bit right now, feeling a lot of emptiness after having shed a few tears nearly two-hours ago. Today, I was supposed to meet up with my best friend for the first time in over three months; five-months to the day since we first met in person. She’s had to call it off as she’s been in some physical pain this week, which I completely respect and understand, having injured my back twice in the last fortnight alone.

I might go in to more detail on this later this evening. For now, I’d like to share this song with you, which came up through my YouTube feed earlier, while waiting to hear from her:

I love this line (or two):

“What’s wrong with you is good
For what’s wrong with me”

That’s always spoken volumes to me for the way I feel about her and my attraction to someone with bipolar disorder. I’ve started reading a book written from the experiences of loving and caring for someone with the condition. I don’t mean to make it sound as though it’s unhealthy in any way; it just summarises how I feel we made one of our first connections.

 

Day 29 – Something You Hope to Change About Yourself. And Why.

It hasn’t taken long at all for me to realise how I’m going to respond to today’s challenge. The thought arrived almost immediately, in fact.

Day 29 – Something I Hope to Change About Myself. And Why.

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Blaising Emotion

Well, the title isn’t quite the perfect fit for this posting but, I did venture out to Blaise Castle this afternoon in an attempt to try and rid myself of some of the emotion I’ve been feeling over the whole ‘May’ situation this week. As you may remember, it was the very first ‘adventure’ I went on, back in August. I already had the majority of photos I needed and only really went back with the intention of capturing the two caves I was unable to snap before. Also, it is a place that I associate with my memory of and feelings for May. When we first met online, we talked about going here together. It never happened and, I did feel a bit ‘guilty’ going there alone. It’s one of a few places that will always remind me of her… Some may say that it’s best to avoid those kind of situations. However, I’m trying to be strong. If we end up avoiding things, we end up living in fear and, I can honestly say that I’ve spent enough of my life living in fear.

Nymph’s Cave – Without Children!

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