‘Make It Go Away’

I’d like to start by thanking ever one who ‘connected’ with my post on Monday (…I think it was Monday evening, anyway… I remember driving to work and wanting to stop and write it right then). To those of you who commented, liked, read and even if you just glanced over a few words… Thank you. I don’t really feel able to respond to anything (including my own words) but I have been doing better and I guess it might have helped. I’ve realised a need to be strong in the last couple of days.

Today (not long before Sunday arrives), I want to share a song with you, because I haven’t done this for a few weeks and I’m still lacking in inspiration to write. Last night, I was watching the last ever episode of Extras with my sister and this song played at least twice:

You’ve all heard it before, I’m sure. It’s a real tear-jerker for me. I didn’t know the title (which is why I’ve ‘incorrectly’ titled this post) or even that it was written and performed by Kate Bush (that seems like the kind of thing that ‘everyone’ should know…). Just the sound of her voice with those harmonies; it’s enough to wrench a few drops from my heart. Also, during the programme, there’s a moment where Ricky Gervais’ character Andy bleeds his own apologies to his friend Maggie (played by Ashley Jensen). That’s the kind of moment that sets a lump in my throat. I’m unable to take a breath as my eyes begin to swell. I don’t think I need to say any more.

I chose a version of the above song with the lyrics included in the video, just so that you could all have a read for yourselves (perhaps for the first time, like me). Whenever that song’s appeared on TV or as part of an advertisement, we only ever get a glimpse of it and a few fingers’ worth of the lyrics.

We all have moments where we just want someone to make it go away when, what really want is for someone to make it go away now… Because everything passes throughout the course of time. What goes up must come down and when you are at your lowest, there is only one other direction you can head towards from there. It’s never in doubt. It’s just a question of ‘when’.

Daily Prompt: Immortalised in Stone

Here is today’s daily prompt:

“Your personal sculptor is carving a person, thing or event from the last year of your life. What’s the statue of and what makes it so significant?”

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Poem: ‘Nothing Left’

‘Nothing Left’

I love you so much

It begins to hurt

My heart, restrained

Feelings still inert

I wish you could hear

Words I’m wanting to say

But how do I know

Would they scare you away?

Without you, I’m empty

I wish you were there

You had your own reasons

For which, you won’t share

More than half a year

You’re drifting away

I don’t like to say it

But soon, will come that day

I find my arms weakening

My face is a mess

If you could see my view

You wouldn’t settle for less

I’m back now, with nothing

These days never end

Has fate turned against us?

Does your heart pretend?

Poem: ‘Courage’

Here’s something I started last night and have worked on (I wouldn’t like to say finished) a bit more this evening, along with a few others I aim to share in time. It’s a bit ‘sketchy’ in places as I’ve stopped and started in places and have even jumped back in to rearrange and insert before pre-written verses. You could say it’s my most-heavily-edited poem so far! 😀

In a moment of fear
You ran to hide
But the help of a friend
You knew you must find

Clocks ticking
Seconds slowly pass
Red mist ascends
From the crash of shattered glass

Hiding alone
Yet, so far from home
Friends are awaiting
You must pick up the phone

Opportunity arrives
With your chance to depart
No room for hesitation
Your better life must start

BEst-Friend

BEst-Friend (Photo credit: Untitled blue)

 

‘Just For’ – Nickelback

Something happened on Friday night that I’m not yet ready to share on this blog. I’m not even sure if I’ll ever share the fully story here as it doesn’t directly concern me, but someone I care so dearly about. My very best friend and so much more.

I recently rediscovered Nickelback‘s Silver Side Up album and there are certain lines in this track that reflect how I felt that night. She’s okay now, as far as I know. Although, I never stop thinking of her. I’ll never walk away and I’ll always be here when she’s ready to come out and talk. It’s likely that this track will sit somewhere near the top of my playlist for the immediate future. It resonated with me over a decade ago, but for no apparent reason back then. I only wish I could’ve found a decent live recording on YouTube.

(Continue reading for lyrics.)

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Disappointment

This morning, I was awoken at 4.50am by the sound of my sister finally making her way upstairs and to bed (I have a downstairs bedroom and, since her job finished, she’s become ‘nocturnal’ again). As much as I tried though, I couldn’t quite fall back to sleep. I was awoken but more alert than tired. I was excited, for this was due to be the day where I would see my best friend for the first time in three months.

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‘Friends and Lovers’ (Incubus)

I’m suffering a bit right now, feeling a lot of emptiness after having shed a few tears nearly two-hours ago. Today, I was supposed to meet up with my best friend for the first time in over three months; five-months to the day since we first met in person. She’s had to call it off as she’s been in some physical pain this week, which I completely respect and understand, having injured my back twice in the last fortnight alone.

I might go in to more detail on this later this evening. For now, I’d like to share this song with you, which came up through my YouTube feed earlier, while waiting to hear from her:

I love this line (or two):

“What’s wrong with you is good
For what’s wrong with me”

That’s always spoken volumes to me for the way I feel about her and my attraction to someone with bipolar disorder. I’ve started reading a book written from the experiences of loving and caring for someone with the condition. I don’t mean to make it sound as though it’s unhealthy in any way; it just summarises how I feel we made one of our first connections.

 

Poem: ‘Heartache’

I haven’t written (finished) any poetry for a while so, I literally just typed this up following on from my last post, without even consulting my notebook. Now, I have a bit of a headache, to accompany my fractured heart.

‘Heartache’

Holding on when I should let go

Before I do, I’d like you to know

That if and in a time of need

You need someone, I’ll mount my steed

For I do not believe your love

Is any more than hiding ‘side a glove

You used to talk but now don’t share

There is no reason, I do still care

Friendship’s hard when there is no other

I saw, crying, with your brother

Your life should be full of happiness

Instead, you’re back in that same old mess

I want to move and ease my heartache

Instead, I’m stuck here, about to break.

Cat Dream

I’ve been trying to remember a dream I had last night. There wasn’t really anything that I could recall from the moment I woke up this morning, except for the fact that one of three previous cats (the last and eldest) was sitting in the garden.

It was at home and, as I can recall, the garden was like an amalgamation of the house I live in now and the one where I spent the most years during childhood (my favourite – also where we had the most pets). They’re in the same village, either way and I felt as though I was younger than I am now, in this dream. No more than early-teens, if even that.

I was walking around the garden (looking for something?) when I came across the cat (Bramble) sat on a path. She was crying out in pain and I could hear this from a distance a way. As I found her, I could see that the majority of her nose was missing! It had been removed, by force and there was some blood. I wanted to go closer to stroke and comfort her but, I was also afraid of how she might react or, that she didn’t want that form of attention.

Then, I can remember going inside to find mum for help but, she didn’t want to know, telling me to just leave her alone or let her get on with it, or something. I went back outside to see Bramble again but she was still the same. I didn’t know what to do and felt worried because she clearly needed help and I wasn’t able to provide that for her. Well, I’m not sure if the feelings were ‘personal’ but, you know.

Bramble was our third cat. Before her, both of our other cats died – the first (Linus), I forget (he was old – and used to wee in the toilet!) while Maggie (still quite young) was partially run over by a car. After dragging herself up the drive, she had to be put down; there was no other way. Bramble was much older when we got her (twelve, I think?). She ‘came to us’ one evening, having been neglected by neighbours up the road and we came to take her in as our own. She wasn’t the friendliest at times (I remember her scratching me when I once tried to play with her in her basket) and eventually became quite ill. I’m sure mum described it as a form of dementia… She’d lose her sight and would begin walking in to things. I’ve never forgotten the confusing (almost comical) image of her trying to get under the stretcher rail beneath one of the kitchen chairs – picture this as something that runs between two chair legs and sits only two or three inches off the floor and you’ll get what I mean. No cat or even a kitten could fit under it. I can’t honestly remember but, I assume she had to be put down.

We had a lop-eared rabbit at the same time and I have one fond memory of how Bramble came to his rescue, one afternoon, from a predator circling overhead. Floppy (I was young!!) was a bit of a pain and a tease to Bramble, often bumping in to her and trying to provoke a reaction. It was as though they never got along as friends. But one day, this large bird was circling above him. Bramble noticed the predator eyeing up its innocent prey and sat herself beside him. It was amazing and I wish I had a photo to share! Needless to say, the big bird left them both well alone! 🙂

That’s a bit about my dream last night and also, of my most last feline companion, Bramble. We’ve seen and lost many pets over the years and I’m sure I would have many stories to tell.

Day 10 – Someone You Need to Let Go Or, Wish You Didn’t Know

This one’s actually very tricky and, looking further ahead, I can see a couple of others that I’m also going to struggle with.

People have told me that I should consider ‘letting go‘ of ‘May’. Certainly, I am trying to drop the thought of starting a relationship with her any time soon as she continually strives to fix what’s already there. But, I cannot bear the thought of losing her as a friend. She is special, to me and, like a lot of people reading this; I know how it feels when people ‘don’t bother‘ with you. I genuinely value and desire her friendship. When I try to describe the situation to someone, I feel they’re too quick to make a judgement. Or, perhaps I don’t explain it well enough… Not that I can claim to know exactly what’s going on; there is definitely a chance for friendship between us and I know that she values me, even when she finds it hard to acknowledge it. 🙂

I could easily mention my dad here as well! Yep, I could try to ‘let go’ of some of my anger towards him and, I hope that I can try to forgive him in time (in my own mind).

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t know him but, he does have his uses… If I never knew him, I guess I’d only be wondering about who he was and, making efforts to try and find him, with all the ‘surprises’ that could bring…!

Right now, I can’t think of anyone in my life who I feel should not or does not belong here. That’s the truth. 😛