I was thinking of sharing a song with you this evening, as I haven’t had much inspiration to write anything new here lately and I do intend to keep things running on some kind of a regular basis. This afternoon, I developed thoughts of writing about how I’m doing at the moment – I’m not struggling but I seem to be exhausting myself with some form of intention. But now, I’ve decided to write about an e-mailing habit I have with friends and acquaintances. I’m not writing this to be critical of anyone singular or collectively, as I fear it could be misinterpreted in such a way. This is about a ‘problem’ I see within myself and I’m currently wondering what I can do here to help myself.
It’s Sunday afternoon. It’ll soon be time to feed the dog and it feels like I’ve already done nothing this weekend. Yesterday, I genuinely felt okay and quite content with things. I had thoughts about going out somewhere today and just sitting in the sun but, I’m still sat here, indoors and unshowered for several days now.
When I finished work on Friday, I’d already decided that I would have a shower before going to bed (two days after my last). By that time, I was ‘too tired’, even though I ended up watching TV until close to midnight. Saturday morning presented the next opportunity and it was a warm awakening as well… I told myself that I wanted to ‘get on with things’, before sitting at my laptop until an early lunch around noon. I didn’t seem to give myself the time to shower last night, even though I was online until beyond midnight. I could’ve had one this morning, but for the fact that I again struggled to get out of bed and had thoughts about going out somewhere alone… (The wind plays havoc with my hair soon after it’s been washed – I’m glad my friend hasn’t yet uploaded those photos from an windswept afternoon in Bristol a few weeks ago!!).
There was a walk on with the group but it seemed a little short and a little pointless for my current thinking. It was set for a late start (midday) and I could only think of how busy that particular area (near the meeting point) would be (given the sunshine) and how much I would struggle to park in an area I don’t know particularly well. Other than that, my head’s been spinning with thoughts for the last two days… Every place I can think of is somewhere I’ve already seen. A long drive to a destination that’ll most likely be littered with lots of people seems like too much effort for my current state. Plus, I hate doing anything when I smell and feel greasy.
I wish I could remember what a good night’s sleep was like… I wake up at 5am every day now. I should probably go and see my doctor but my excuse is that I need to start work at 7am for five-days each week. I don’t like alarm clocks. They don’t always wake me up (when one of my ears blocks) but they never fail to piss me off. I don’t understand how going to bed so late means that I still wake up stupidly early? No matter how tired I am, once the sun’s out, I can never get back to sleep. I don’t often struggle to get to sleep but my situation rarely improves when I shut my eyes a bit earlier.
At least I’ve decided on one thing for the coming week… I’m going to “isolate” myself from the canteen at work, after two-years of putting myself through that for no real reason and certainly, no personal benefit. I’ll probably sit in my van, at least until winter returns. I can’t stand the single-minded views and catastrophic opinions that some people in their 50s have… It doesn’t do me any good to sit there and listen to it. I don’t really have any connection with any individual who does sit there (several others sit in their cars). Bar one other person, I’m the youngest in that room by a quarter of a century! My excuse has always been that it’s ‘too far to walk’ with my cup of tea back to the car park… It’s time to stop worrying about what they might say or think. Of course they’ll notice but I need to do this for myself. I need to try and find some solitude at this company, as I often have done elsewhere.
With this post, I feel like I’ve succeeded in making myself feel worse come the end of it than how I felt when I logged in.
It’s been almost twenty-four hours since I last had anything to eat and I don’t think I managed more than two-hours worth of sleep last night. I left work yesterday feeling ‘a bit ill’ and not-right, before I found myself sat on the toilet and, well, I’ll spare you the details! Needless to say, it’s leave me feeling very weak and ‘hurty’ (like a flu bug) and, as I’m not feeling much better today, it looks like I’ll have to pass on the planned group walk this evening.
At least now, I have a chance to sit down and write about the walk I went on last Sunday. There aren’t many photos to share but I’ll try to keep you entertained.
It’s fair to say that yesterday’s group walk was one I won’t forget in a hurry! Sadly, due to the circumstances and weather conditions, I wasn’t able to take any photographs of my own this time. Instead, I’m going to try and break-up the text with some images sourced from various sites around the internet (thanks to Zemanta).
This walk was titled the ‘Spooky Walk‘ by the leader and, as if that wasn’t enough to tempt you out of your warm, dry bed on a soggy Sunday morning, it would cover several hills around the Cotswolds, starting in a small village known as Prestbury, just outside of Cheltenham. Continue reading
After a two-week hiatus from walks, opting instead to hide beneath the covers from the cold, with dark clouds building in my head; I ventured out today on a five-mile walk in the area of West Harptree; a walk that incorporates views of both Chew Valley Lake (I so badly want to type Cheddar Valley Lake…) and Herriotts Mill Pool.
I’ll save the best photos until the end, as that is how the walk progressed; leaving the best until last when it would be appreciated the most. This is another walk from the 8 Wild Walks Across the Mendip Hills book. In which, they do warn that the paths can be quite ‘boggy’, as you’ll see above…
I want to try and keep this one going as a positive post because I’ve done well to drag myself out of bed, out of the house and out in to the fresh air of the Somerset countryside. Ever since I finished work yesterday lunchtime though, my mood has been on a steady decline. I spent the afternoon sleeping on top of my bed; I couldn’t even be bothered to walk the dog. My evening was no more pro-active and I was struggling to get going today. Even when I left the house, I wasn’t really in the mood and this usually changes once I’m out and about…
Maybe I’m finally getting bored of my own company? I have thoughts of not having to return to work until Thursday but still, I know I’m going to spend this time on my own. Maybe it was the setting?
Whatever the cause, I’m feeling low today and, not for the first time since I’ve been in counselling, I’m finding myself unable to crawl down and ‘hide away’ in my secret, safe space. It’s surrounded by nature; buried beneath a layer of leaves and grass. Inside, it is dark but, the walls are warm and earthly. Now, it’s as if someone’s concreted over and filled it in. I cannot break through, I cannot get in. I’m left stand out in the cold, exposed, feeling the way that I do right now.
Anyway, let’s have a look at where I went today…