Referring back to the experience of my first session in learning about Self-Esteem issues; I’m going to go on as I intended by writing about the five qualities I would look for in another person. That’s not to imply that I’m looking to amend or consider my current assessment (although, this may also help me with that). It’s mainly so that I can do as we were told in the class; to consider where I would position myself on each line and also, in relation to that “perfect” person.
I may’ve just sent a message that’s potentially ended a ‘friendship’ I’ve shared with a trouble soul for the past year. I hope that I’m just over-thinking and that she realises, at the bottom of it all, that I’m still here for her. But, pressing on, I want to write a kind of reflection to the blog post I shared in my last post…
As a friend, I recognise that I am trustworthy; an ear above open arms, ready to accept and receive. I can help to remind someone of their own worth and the significance of their person happiness, without offering blatant advice.
When it comes to helping myself though, I’m the first one to say that I don’t deserve it. That I should be happy. My life isn’t now where I hoped it would be, a decade ago. How I’m almost 28 and I still don’t have ‘enough’.
This is why I’m feeling so low at the moment. Another reason I’m disgruntled at work, because I’m dissatisfied with and critical of the view from behind my eyes. This weekend was a great opportunity to see my three friends and I enjoyed every moment of that. Yet, it feels like I used to after travelling home from seeing my ex-girlfriend last year; I’ve returned to the realisation of all that I do not have.
I can’t seem to escape this at the moment; the realisation that I’m settling for so much less in my life. Total dissatisfaction within my day job is something that I can change in time. I’ve been putting up with this for too long, simply because I’m afraid to make the change; afraid of having to potentially explain why this is already my third job since October 2010. Afraid of going through months of rejection, all over again… Under-qualified, inexperienced and lacking in self-belief or, as my counsellor used to say; the relevant communication skills to do anything else.
Home life isn’t what I want it to be either and it’s been this way since I moved back to mum’s in August. I don’t wish to make this personal; all I’ll say is that I feel ‘trapped’ here; confined to my room and lacking in my own creative space to write, to learn and practice one of my three guitars and to create again, through art.
Those are just a few of the disturbances and I can recognise and release from my mind this evening… Well, I’m able to put them down on to the screen infront of me, even if they still exist in my head. See, I told you I was my own biggest critic. 😛
Actually, I’m looking for another evening course to start soon in the hope that I can keep a part of my brain occupied… I just need to decide on what to do and then, to get my application in ASAP.
- Are you Happy? (kopasite.wordpress.com)
- Happiness, the ultimate human goal (sciencelens.wordpress.com)
- Adolescence and Self-Dissatisfaction (psychologytoday.com)
- I’m scared of Me. (amorphousinklings.wordpress.com)
- Are you satisfied? (patrickrhone.com)
- 5 Ways to Stop Being Afraid of Happiness. (elephantjournal.com)
- What Can I Do To Make Things Better? (initfortheparking.com)
- Full of Fear (flightoftheflightless.com)
- Am I Doing what I Really, Really, Want to Do? (psychologymatters.asia)
- What We Deserve (lifeattwentysomething.com)
Here we are, close to the end of another week (or, should that be the dawn of a new one?) and I’m well aware that I haven’t posted as much as I would usually have done in the past couple of weeks. A couple of people have shared their concerns through e-mail to ask whether I’m okay and I’d just like to reassure all of you that I’m fine. It’s only that I haven’t had the usual ‘urgency’ to write as much as I’ve needed to in the past. Also, working until 17.00 most days, I tend to get home, sit down with a cup of tea, reply to a couple of e-mails and, before I know it; it’s 21.30 and I’ve still not had anything to eat!
I’d like to end this week with a brief reflection on the positives from within the past seven days.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 4,300 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 7 years to get that many views.
This is my first weekly writing challenge and I’ve decided to take this to create a list of ten things that I have been grateful and thankful for in 2012. I was hoping to do this two days ago (in preparation for 21/12/12…) but, you know how life goes and other things often get in the way and sometimes prevent you from doing things. So, in no particular order, here we go:
Several times on this blog, I’ve made reference to the fact that I’ve been living back at my mum’s house since the beginning of August and that, as much as I enjoyed the space and independence of living alone, I wasn’t happy overall with the conditions of where I was living. Money was one factor that bought me home. I did look around for other properties not too far away but, there wasn’t much that I could realistically afford.
It’s also fair to say that I’m not entirely happy living back at mum’s and that I often feel ‘confined’ and as though I’m less able to relax and express myself (even if I am warm). I don’t wish to dwell on any of the negatives associated with either situation right now. Instead, I’m going to take a little advice from the author of Reflections on Life So Far and I’ll trying to focus on the positives of where I am and everything I am grateful for, living here.
As I often do, I’ve been thinking a lot today about my ‘relationship’ with May, after a recent post where I vented some of my feelings and concerns regarding our friendship and received some very honest responses in return (thank you to all who commented).
We still talk fairly regularly, even though we can easily go a whole month (or more) without physically seeing each other. I do know that she does read my messages, even when she doesn’t reply and, that is reassuring. She’s told me before that she does this with female friends as well so, I’m assured that it is not personal.
My concerns have mostly surrounded her ‘intentions’ with and for me in her life and, reflecting on everything I’ve seen, read and known for the past four-months; by taking a step back, I can see that my own perceptions are quite clearly ‘distorted’ by my own feelings and attraction towards her… Continue reading