Week Five

Is this really week FIVE already?! It’s going by so fast that I appear to have lost all creative originality, when it comes to titling these posts! 😉 I’m now beyond the halfway point, despite missing the session last week. All I can say to summarise is that it is help. It is making a difference and that it is giving me lots to think about and consider. After that synopsis, I trust some of you will still continue to read on… 🙂

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Back to Bed

My posting has been infrequent here lately and it’s even more rare to find a second post from me within the same day. Usually, it’s not a great sign. Or, at least, an indication that something is troubling me.

After writing my previous post this morning, I felt as though I was lying to myself. Although I didn’t write it, I wanted to try and portray the message that I was okay with having nothing to do today and no-one to see… I wasn’t. I haven’t been alright. In fact, since I woke up this morning after my most disruptive night’s sleep for several weeks, I’ve felt like bursting in to tears on several occasions. Continue reading

Believe Me

Why do I often feel as though people don’t believe me?

I’m not an overly sarcastic person; that side only really shows through when I’m feeling slightly confident and even close to relaxed around people. Yet, I can think of several occasions throughout my life where others don’t appear to accept some of the truths and feelings that I’m trying to share.

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Anxious Thought of the Day

Here’s my anxious thought for the day…

When a very close friend tells you that you’re a ‘wonderful person‘ and also, a ‘great friend‘, why is my next reaction (after feeling positively emotional) to focus and dwell on the ‘friend‘ aspect?

She is the first person I’ve known in the real world to have ever said something so kind and beautiful to me. My counsellor used to try and praise me but then, it’s kind of her job… It actually means something (and a lot more) when it comes from a person you mutually care about.

I am so grateful for her words and I hope she knows that I will always be there to support her.

As much as I’ve begun this year striving to focus on the friends-side of our relationship (as only friends), I guess I’m always going to be secretly hoping for more, with the feelings I do have.

Another friend was talking to me recently about her own situation and I kind of came to a realisation that we cannot ‘control’ our emotions and feelings, just as we cannot dictate those of other people; as much as we may feel as though we want to. Feelings of love and compassion never truly fade away or burn out, in my opinion. So, is then about acceptance and focusing on other areas?

Poem: ‘No U in I’

Today is, of course, Valentine’s Day and this marks the one-year anniversary of the demise of my premature relationship with ‘January’. I suffered a lot of pain in the immediate aftershock of the event and everything that lead up to an outburst of anger and upset. It took me a while to get over it and meeting someone else isn’t always the best solution when you’re vulnerable. Since the beginning of 2013, I’ve had to make further acceptances from within myself and this has all lead to the progress that I’ll try to share in a spontaneous poem below.

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Acceptance

There’s one issue in my life that’s been quite a ‘theme’ for this blog in recent months and it’s not something I’ve openly written much about lately. There are a few individuals who I’ve confided in with this (you each know who you are) and I appreciate every effort you have made to just be there and support me and my own thoughts.

Now, it’s time for me to make my own decision. In fact, it’s one that I’ve already made…

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I DO Have Friends!

Hopefully you read my previous post on being honest… Well, a few days ago, I began writing a poem flooded with thoughts of my own loneliness and the discomfort I often feel within my own skin. I wanted to say how much I wish that you all are ‘real’. Your offers and hugs, thoughts and well wishes are greatly appreciated. I only wish we could share them physically (especially the hugs).

My second Resolution for 2013 is to make a better effort to acknowledge and spend time with friends, because I do have some who mean a lot to me, even if I don’t seen them very often or ever at all. They are mostly female and I think I have a fear of men generally. My intentions of friendship remain genuine with each and all of them. I a still seriously ‘hung up’ on May (in fact, she even mentioned that she noticed and suspected it herself – that’s when it first scared her, apparently).

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