First day of the week; second day in a brand-new month and it’s time for me to share the latest reflections of my mind that have come about within the last 24 hours.
Friendship (Photo credit: fabbriciuse)
Sunday was EPIC, as far as achievements go. I completed an incredible challenge and left the event feeling great for that. Except, along with those feelings of elation, there existed a cloud of sorrow, sadness and missing out. A formation comparatively minute in size, yet impossible to ignore; the evident dark splodge in an otherwise celestial clear blue sky.
Here’s a song for you this week; one perhaps a little softer and less-depressing than my usual offerings. I hope no-one confuses this with any similarly-titled recording from a female artist…
That one line, ‘Here is my heart‘ is one that regularly echoes inside my skull. The rest of this song is obsolete and very hard to remember. It’s been playing on loop in my head for the past 24 hours and, gradually, the title line (‘Love will find a way‘) has made its way in to my playlist.
Driving to work this morning, this song appeared on the radio, not long before I arrived at my dreaded destination. I love it when coincidences like that happen! I begin to believe that there is some ‘unfathomable force‘ watching over us, guiding our way… There’s only one other Yes song I can ever think of and that has the kind of title that I’m sure many of us can relate to (‘Owner of a Lonely Heart‘). Hearing the band reminded me of how much I used to enjoy listening to Rick Wakeman‘s Saturday morning show on Planet Rock… Before I started working shifts and consequently missed the final ten-weeks’ worth of broadcasting and entertainment. Rick was the keyboard player in Yes at some point. Ironically, I’m not sure whether he was present during the original recording of this song.
Just reading through the lyrics (continue reading below), it seems like a song full of optimism and near-silent hope. It’s the kind of message that people are often telling me to believe in. Fate and all of that. Don’t try to force things; if it’s meant to be, it will be.
Today is, of course, Valentine’s Day and this marks the one-year anniversary of the demise of my premature relationship with ‘January’. I suffered a lot of pain in the immediate aftershock of the event and everything that lead up to an outburst of anger and upset. It took me a while to get over it and meeting someone else isn’t always the best solution when you’re vulnerable. Since the beginning of 2013, I’ve had to make further acceptances from within myself and this has all lead to the progress that I’ll try to share in a spontaneous poem below.
I’m weak… I said I was going to resist contacting her for now but, I gave in, only to let her know how my day went and to assume that she was doing quite well. She replied to say quite the opposite. She was glad to hear from me and, of my day but, it’s clear that there’s something very, very wrong in their relationship. She is desperately unhappy. I felt like she was trying to reach out to me so, I offered a hand. In fact, I did a bit more than that by asking her if she’d like to talk about it (even after she said she hates talking about personal stuff and regrets making things public on social networking sites)… She told me to leave her alone. I won’t quote it properly because it was all written in upper-case with lots of exclamation marks behind. I am surprise she didn’t unfriend me on the spot but then, I have left her alone and it’s clear that she’s in a very dark and lonely place.
I worry about her but, once again, I’ve realised that I cannot help someone who is not prepared (or afraid) to help themselves.
A little while after that and, still online, I received a message from someone on a dodgy dating site (POF). She said I seemed genuine but, having spoken to her for a couple of hours, I’m beginning to feel that the word (genuine) is only true in the eye of the beholder (like beauty and perfection). At first, she seemed very ‘genuine’, sharing my interest in walking and we had more in common. I asked about her writing and she offered to show me some of her work…
Continuing on from Being Friends, there was actually one piece of information that I forgot to include near the end of that story. I mentioned that I’d eaten quorn sausages the night before. What I forgot to add was that, the next morning, my stomach was roaring inside! I wasn’t in any great pain (a little discomfort) and I’ve definitely felt worse in the past but, I decided to try and hold it in for those final hours as I feared it was one of those that was ‘going to make a mess’ and, probably leave a bad smell in her bathroom… It felt like a large cloud of wind, if I’m honest! Generally speaking though, I have concerns over using anyone’s toilet that wasn’t my own.
Bear with me because, there is relevance to this…
When I first met ‘Jan’, I was still very nervous around her. Even in times where I felt comfortable with her, there were awkward silences. In order to try to fill these (without knowing what to say), I would try to make light of the situation or discussion and some kind of joke (as my dad has always done – he seems to have a ‘way’ with women although, thinking about it now, he’s equally as good at p***ing people off…). Jan’s stomach often made noises in the time that I’d known her. Whether she was hungry or full; she cited her medication as the cause and I would gently humour it to try and ease her embarrassment; kindly asking her to be quiet, to keep the noise down or just to go ‘ssshhhhh‘ while the TV was on. She would genuinely laugh with me each time so, I saw no reason to stop. I thought she liked it. Continue reading →