Finding Motivation

As the weekends arrive with the passing of each working week, I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to remove myself from under the duvet.

Image found on Instagram and is not my own.

Getting up in the morning is proving to be hard. Now, I could blame many aspects for this, including the time of year – but the weather, for one, is quite mild considering we’re almost halfway in to December. More importantly; I’m working to remind myself to be emotionally responsible and intelligent, with regards to my feelings.

It is not because of anything or anyone external that I am struggling to get out of bed. It is me.

Instead of dwelling on that, I’m going to try and write about how to I look for ways to get me going each Saturday and Sunday.

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Scared, Already!

Tomorrow is Halloween. A time where many people come together, get together and enjoy the annual occasion. I’m still not sure exactly what we’re supposed to be celebrating but, the experience remains unknown to me, after my than twenty-seven years on this planet. While other people will be enjoying themselves tomorrow night, I know I’ll be right here, alone.

Technically, I’ll be amongst family at home but, it isn’t the same. I yearn for my own life and friends.

As a kid, I was never allowed to go trick-or-treating, simply because my parents [read: “my dad] wouldn’t allow me; ‘they’ didn’t believe in ‘celebrating evil spirits‘, of whatever it was my mum used to say. All I wanted was to dress up a bit, walk around the village with my friends and, of course, to fill my bag full of sweets and chocolates!

At this time each year then, if I’m not thinking of the fun times that others must be having or looking forward to then, I’m remembering what it was like to have my friends knock on the back door, each of them dressed up and waiting for me; only to find that I wasn’t allowed out with them. One friend even leant me a mask to wear one year but, I don’t think I even got to try it on.

A few days after that (in the UK, at least), we have Guy Fawkes night (aka. Bonfire Night, Fireworks Night… You know what I’m referring to). This is something I’ve not been involved with since I was a kid and I can’t remember why I (and we, as a family) stopped going. Was it because my sister didn’t like the noise? Was I afraid of the bangs and unpredictability? Maybe it was the beginnings of my anxiety.

Again, this year is like one of many others to have already gone by; I’d like to be out there with people but, I have nothing planned. On the 5th of November 2012, I’ll be sat right here, either at my laptop or stretched out in front of the TV. Writing this though, I can vaguely remember how we use to hold our own (small) fireworks display in our back garden – that could be one explanation for why we stopped ‘going out’. There was one year where the thick smoke from our fire bellowed out down the driveway, along the road and on to the main road – that left me feeling a fear as though the police were going to turn up and investigate!

I have actually taken the initiative to ask two people what their plans are for tomorrow night. This was last night but, I haven’t heard anything from either of them. I don’t really know who I’d like to spend these occasions and celebrations with… If I’m being honest, there’s no-one that special in my life right now. Does it really matter?

Please don’t let the tone of this post mislead you. I woke up yesterday feeling better than I have done for a little while. I’m not ‘happy’ as such but, after almost three-weeks deep inside a hole, I feel as though I can see the clouds in the otherwise blue sky, as I climb my way out. I’ve been talking to another blogger over the weekend who’s really helped me to get some things out and gain a little perspective. If you’re reading this then, you know who you are. I’ve already said it elsewhere but, thank you for being a friend. 🙂

I suppose I could ask you, dear reader…

What are your plans for the next six-days of celebration?

Rain

I got myself out of bed about forty-five minutes ago, only to discover the rain on this, my day off. It’s completely destroyed my hope of going to Bath for the day and doing a walk around there. Looking at the forecast, we’re supposed to have intermittent showers for most of the day. I don’t know what I’m going to do to keep myself busy today. Sometimes, the bad weather doesn’t help a mood that’s already on the decline. I feel like just going back to bed and lazing the day away, which is such a waste of a day off work. 😦

Tomorrow’s forecast looks a little drier (but still cloudy), aside from a few hours of fog in the morning (like yesterday, I assume). So, I’m going to try and keep my hopes up that I’ll be able to go to Bath tomorrow.

I’m really struggling with this week’s writing homework as well. We have to write a scene of dialogue that involves some form of conflict. Last week, in the class, we read a scene just like this from No Country for Old Men. All I have in my head are thoughts of writing a fictional dialogue between two people who recently got engaged and that is so wrong! I can’t think of anything else or, where there might be an issue of conflict. I might just have to admit that I couldn’t do the homework this week…

We were almost set with something else, which would’ve involved writing a list of basic descriptions for each of the people you pass on an average day. That sounds quite fun and I imagine that’s what we’ll get set with this week.

What Is Your ‘Normal’ Face?

Can you describe (or think of) the appearance of your ‘normal’ face?

How do you look when you feel ‘okay’. Without stress, sadness or excitement. You’re just as you are.

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Poem: ‘Welcome, Winter!’

‘Welcome, Winter!’

Dark morning and early nights
Each and every day can feel like a fight
Work all day; no time to play
Things don’t always go ‘our way’

It is easy to feel down and low
But also, it’s important to know
When days are cold and though, not hot
It’s not to say that you must rot

Wrap up warm and face the fear
Time is precious, when loved ones are near
If all alone, do not stay at home
Life will continue and it’s ours to own!

Winter’s Coming

Here in the UK, we’re already almost four-days in to the autumn season. That means that the days are already getting shorter and, with winter on the way, the temperature should soon be on the decline as well. It’s depressing to think about, I know. There’s even a disorder for people who’s moods are affected by this time of the year, known commonly as SAD.

Like a lot of people, I find the winter months to be very difficult at times. You wake up in the dark, spend all the daylight hours at work and come home to total darkness at the end of each day. It’s hard to find a life outside of this twilight and, I find it even more difficult to maintain my enthusiasm and motivate myself to do anything in the evenings.

It is something that’s already concerning. But, with the positive steps forward that I’ve already made recently in improving myself and building on my self-esteem, I’ve decided to try and plan ahead now. Sometimes, planning and too much thought can lead to greater anxiety later but, this is one situation where I do not feel that being ‘spontaneous’ in my actions would be the best option.

Please feel free to chip in with your own thoughts and suggestions along the way. All comments are welcome. 🙂

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