‘Love Will Find a Way’ – Yes

Here’s a song for you this week; one perhaps a little softer and less-depressing than my usual offerings. I hope no-one confuses this with any similarly-titled recording from a female artist…

That one line, ‘Here is my heart‘ is one that regularly echoes inside my skull. The rest of this song is obsolete and very hard to remember. It’s been playing on loop in my head for the past 24 hours and, gradually, the title line (‘Love will find a way‘) has made its way in to my playlist.

Driving to work this morning, this song appeared on the radio, not long before I arrived at my dreaded destination. I love it when coincidences like that happen! I begin to believe that there is some ‘unfathomable force‘ watching over us, guiding our way… There’s only one other Yes song I can ever think of and that has the kind of title that I’m sure many of us can relate to (‘Owner of a Lonely Heart‘). Hearing the band reminded me of how much I used to enjoy listening to Rick Wakeman‘s Saturday morning show on Planet Rock… Before I started working shifts and consequently missed the final ten-weeks’ worth of broadcasting and entertainment. Rick was the keyboard player in Yes at some point. Ironically, I’m not sure whether he was present during the original recording of this song.

Just reading through the lyrics (continue reading below), it seems like a song full of optimism and near-silent hope. It’s the kind of message that people are often telling me to believe in. Fate and all of that. Don’t try to force things; if it’s meant to be, it will be.

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Head Scrambled

This is the second consecutive evening where I’ve sat at my laptop in the hope of writing my homework, which is due for the class tomorrow evening. I’m still staring at a blank page, unable to find those all important first words.

I have ‘prompt’, plucked from a page within a national newspaper. I kind of know what I want to write about (or, at least, one direction in which these words could travel). I just cannot think clearly enough. I want to get it through my fingers, the keyboard and on to the screen but, something’s blocking me.

There is the ever-present fear that I’ll have to read aloud and share this with the rest of the class (something I narrowly avoided last week and, for the first time) but, I know what else is distracting me tonight and, I think you do too.

Yep, it’s her. I’m still feeling the disappointment of Saturday morning; the expectation that I’m going to lose her (if I haven’t already) to this unappreciative bastard to whom she keeps relentlessly falling back towards. I’ve learnt three things about him this week that have only lowered my opinion of him but, I’m not going to share them here. She took a turn for the worse last week; stating on Facebook that she was deactivating her profile for good, quoting it as “all kinds of a relationship destroyer“, which, to me, resonates with her fiancé’s erratic behaviour (not to mention his alias account, hiding behind an inanimate stuffed monkey). She also said how she can’t find the time of day or effort to have any real friends.

She’s sunk a long way from our conversation on the phone last Wednesday. Last night, I asked if she was okay but received a response asking me to leave her alone (depression – I’ve seen that before). She’s re-emerged on Facebook today but I’m fighting to urge to contact her. Saturday’s forecast is good, which opens an opportunity in my mind for us to go out and do something.

If I write to her at the wrong time, I’ll feel even worse. If I don’t do anything at all, I’ll feel no different to my current state. If I wait too long, I don’t know. I’m very aware and honest now about the fact that this whole situation is affecting me. Walking on a Sunday provides a welcome distraction (and, with other people). This week has been so difficult, following the “rejection” of Saturday.

I want to try and write a poem to let out some of my thoughts. Maybe I should write another letter. In doing that though, I’ll only drift further away from my intended writing. I’ll still be behind, wishing I had another day, just for me. Actually, I wish that the torrential flooding in our area continues tomorrow, so that I can at least excuse myself from making the journey to class…

My sleep has been disturbed since Friday morning, when I was awoken at 4.50am (an hour early). Saturday morning, I was awake around a similar time, full of hope and expectation (also, anxiety). Sunday was the same, in preparation for my first group walk. Monday and Tuesday included. I haven’t felt tired, only still but restless; watching for the minutes to pass.

 

All is Forgotten

Last night, I went to bed feeling good. I was so positive in my mind, that I even restarted my nightly meditation to combat anxiety. This morning, I felt optimistic about going to work, on an otherwise dark, damp morning. All was going well until lunchtime, when I decided to send ‘someone’ a text to see if they would like to meet up later…

***TRIGGER WARNING ***

***THIS POST DISCUSSES SUICIDAL THOUGHTS WITH MENTION OF SELF-HARM***

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Three Months Waiting

I really should try to sit down properly and write a poem on this but, I’m also afraid of getting too deeply involved in it all, just when I feel I might be beginning to find my way to cope with the news of the engagement from a few weeks ago.

It’s been exactly three-months to the day (although, that was a Saturday), since May and I last met in person (this discounts the one occasion a few weeks ago where I believe I drove past her as she walked along the pavement with her brother…). I am sorry that we’ve not been able to meet up in this time, even though she has suggested that it could’ve happened at several points.

This post really isn’t about me… I still have my fears for her and, however much I try to distance myself from her, I cannot shake away my concerns. Again, I’m reluctant to take any of this personally or to heart, as I have no reason to believe that she has seen any of her other friends in that time and, I’m still asking myself, why?

There’s not a lot that I could do, whatever the true situation may be. I know she was well aware of this ‘unhealthiness‘ when we first met (she told me as much) but, it’s sad to see her suspected slide back down in to the same old state.

We’ve actually had a rather promising and productive week, as friends. Just as I’m trying to distance myself by not messaging her too often (I know that sounds cold), a text arrives to say how scared she is about a certain incident. She came straight to me, ahead of anyone else. I could question why she didn’t contact her fiancée but, I was delighted to be able offer reassurance. She then replied to say how she knew that she could only really get the best opinion from me. Well, okay, if do you say so… 😀

But, as soon as I turned to the question of whether she’d like to meet up soon (no date, no suggestions) – silence. Message read, without reply. Hmmmm…

Yesterday morning, I decided to send her a short story she had asked about a week or two earlier. It’s more of a first-person journal entry from my perspective of the day we first met. But, over 2,000 spread across three A4 pages, nonetheless!! I was concerned she might get the wrong impression over some of my views but, she read it straight away and loved it! She even had the acute audacity to remind me that I’d forgotten at least one event from the day (I could recall a second as well).

Maybe it’s just women… (No offence intended towards anyone!) You can’t love them, you can’t live with them and, it’s not even that straight-forward being friends with them…. 😳

(Of course, I am joking but, it helps to show that my mood is in better spirits this evening. ;-))