Final Draft

It does concern me a little, in that I’m beginning to write here a little more regularly than I have done. But I don’t feel the same ‘need’ to unleash waves of negativity and sorrow, as I have done at times in the past. Writing the post last night reminded me that this does help, as some of my blurred thoughts (or at least, their intensity) began to subside. I was able to begin the day in a better frame of mind.

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Something New

It’s been a few weeks since I last logged-in and wrote here and that also means that you’ve ‘missed’ the end to my CBT course. It was strange last week; to arrive home on a Monday evening with nowhere to go… At the same time though, it was welcome to have an evening at the start of a long week where I could just relax!

As that course ended, we were encouraged to ‘fill that space’ with something. If we’re able to allow ourselves to spend two hours of one evening each week on doing something that we want to do; an activity from which we’ll benefit then surely, that space remains available for a different activity.

I’ve been aware (and interested) that Positive Step offer an eight-week course in Mindfulness. But attending that course is not as straight-forward as you might expect… A telephone conversation/interview with the course leader is required before hand, so that you can both assess whether it will suit you personally. Because it requires quite a commitment for anyone not currently practising on a very regular basis… You’re required to practice mindfulness for forty-five minutes each and every night in your own spare time! But also, the next course doesn’t start until the new year and so, that would’ve been a rather long wait.

I don’t see any personal benefit from the Anger Management course (which they’ve recently renamed) and without repeating either of the two courses I’ve already completed, that would leave me with just the Assertiveness course to follow… Which I’ve decided to ‘postpone’ for the time being, simply because it is the one offering that involves ROLE PLAY!! :-S

Anyway, this week – tonight, in fact – I’ve begun a new regular dose of doing something that benefits me…

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One Week Left!

Last week, I decided to skip on an update with my CBT course. There’s no great reason for that; I simply felt as though that session was a bit ‘meh’, in the sense that I didn’t feel like I’d learned or come away with much at the end of it. That remains the only time on this course but I’m not trying to knock it because I’m sure some others would’ve benefited.

In short, I didn’t feel as though I had anything within me to report! 🙂

Now, having just completed week seven… There’s only one more week to go!! :-O

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Week Five

Is this really week FIVE already?! It’s going by so fast that I appear to have lost all creative originality, when it comes to titling these posts! 😉 I’m now beyond the halfway point, despite missing the session last week. All I can say to summarise is that it is help. It is making a difference and that it is giving me lots to think about and consider. After that synopsis, I trust some of you will still continue to read on… 🙂

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Week 3 Review

It’s been five-days since my third week in the Self Esteem course and I apologise for the gaping delay in writing this post. For the past week, I’ve been unable to log-in for more than a few minutes… That’s been the highlight of my efforts! For the rest of the time, I’ve been unable to load a single WordPress-hosted site; whether that’s one of my own or somebody else’s. Doing a bit of search engine research this evening, I’ve discovered that it seems to be an issue with TalkTalk (perhaps also concerning customers of other UK-based ISPs). All other sites appear to be functioning fine but I’ve not been able to get on here until this evening… When I suddenly remembered that I still have a mobile broadband with 3 Mobile! 😎

Weston-super-Mud, last Monday evening.

…I just have to be careful not to download too much stuff before the end of the month. My main reason for switching back to wi-fi last week was because I received a warning text to say that I am close to my monthly 5Gb limit (so many wasted hours on YouTube…). I often wonder why I still have this thing, as it’s costing me more than £15 a month but hey, I am grateful on this one occasion! 🙂

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Week Two Review

After my second week on the Self-Esteem CBT course, I’m again feeling slightly elated and rather content this evening! Then again, it’s been a while since I’ve felt any crushing lows now and that should be evident within my weekly test scores on the questionnaires we’re given.

I saw down, wanting to start writing this a little earlier and so, some of my thoughts have slipped to the back of my mind… But, I did make some notes on the back of my handout (in fact, I recommend) and so, by referring to them, I’m hoping that I can share everything I intended in the room. 😉

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New Self-Esteem?

Tonight, I’d like to write to you about my experience of the previous evening, when I finally began the NHS-funded Self-Esteem course that I signed up for following the end of the CBT-based lessons in Anxiety Management. This time, they’ve extended the course duration from 6 to a total of 8 weeks, which should allow people to get more form their chosen course (apparently, it’s a common ‘complaint’ amongst past attendees).

[Image taken from: http://blog.lib.umn.edu%5D

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Cutting Out Caffeine

Another ‘stunning’ image from my smartphone’s camera provides the prompt for this evening’s post!

image

Decaf Tea Bags – Ready for Work!

 

I’ve mentioned before on this blog that in-taking large amounts of caffeine can recreate the effects and symptoms of anxiety in an average person. This is something that was affirmed to me by my CBT worker when we met a few weeks back.

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First Step

Before I disappear to clean up and get ready to head our later for a gig I’ve been invited to this evening, I’d like to sit here and attempt to collect my thoughts on my experience during week one of the Anxiety Management course; funded by the NHS and available locally through Positive Step.

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‘I Should Be Happy’

As a friend, I recognise that I am trustworthy; an ear above open arms, ready to accept and receive. I can help to remind someone of their own worth and the significance of their person happiness, without offering blatant advice.

When it comes to helping myself though, I’m the first one to say that I don’t deserve it. That I should be happy. My life isn’t now where I hoped it would be, a decade ago. How I’m almost 28 and I still don’t have ‘enough’.

This is why I’m feeling so low at the moment. Another reason I’m disgruntled at work, because I’m dissatisfied with and critical of the view from behind my eyes. This weekend was a great opportunity to see my three friends and I enjoyed every moment of that. Yet, it feels like I used to after travelling home from seeing my ex-girlfriend last year; I’ve returned to the realisation of all that I do not have.

I can’t seem to escape this at the moment; the realisation that I’m settling for so much less in my life. Total dissatisfaction within my day job is something that I can change in time. I’ve been putting up with this for too long, simply because I’m afraid to make the change; afraid of having to potentially explain why this is already my third job since October 2010. Afraid of going through months of rejection, all over again… Under-qualified, inexperienced and lacking in self-belief or, as my counsellor used to say; the relevant communication skills to do anything else.

Home life isn’t what I want it to be either and it’s been this way since I moved back to mum’s in August. I don’t wish to make this personal; all I’ll say is that I feel ‘trapped’ here; confined to my room and lacking in my own creative space to write, to learn and practice one of my three guitars and to create again, through art.

Those are just a few of the disturbances and I can recognise and release from my mind this evening… Well, I’m able to put them down on to the screen infront of me, even if they still exist in my head. See, I told you I was my own biggest critic. 😛

Actually, I’m looking for another evening course to start soon in the hope that I can keep a part of my brain occupied… I just need to decide on what to do and then, to get my application in ASAP.