‘Darkness’ – Disturbed

There’s a song that came to my mind about a week ago and I’ve been eager to share it with you ever since. Actually, this one creeps back in to my mind on a frequent basis. I’d be surprised if it hasn’t grazed my conscious mind at least once each week for the past eleven years!

It’s one that I’m almost ‘afraid’ to share. I first heard this song when I bought the band’s album, at the age of 17. I was heading towards a low patch of my own during my A-Levels and I used to worry that this song would make me feel worse; as if I shouldn’t ever allow myself to listen to it. In fact, there’s a song on Staind‘s ‘Break the Cycle‘ album that I would always skip… I’ll share that one on another day.

But, ‘Darkness’ was soothing. I found comfort in David voice, the piano keys that didn’t belong on this album and ‘those three words‘ that I could relate to; over and over again.

I’ve grown away from this band (and a lot of metal, in general) in the years since but, if I was to choose just one track of theirs from the two albums I own, to sit inside a playlist on my iPod… There is no question.

I don’t wish for people to read anything in to the timing of this as I am okay. In fact, I’m planning to write a positive post of gratitude tomorrow evening, in preparation for my CBT assessment on Thursday. 😉 If anything is wrong at this moment, it’s that I can’t seem to stop listening to Lana Del Ray’s album at the minute! I’m also in a bit of a Chili Peppers phase at the minute too (everything pre-2006). 😎

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New CDs

Last week, I shared with you the two books I recently bought from Amazon. I was still waiting the arrival of two CDs to complete my latest trilogy and, after a possible delay with the recent weather, they arrived yesterday.

Two recent albums from John Frusciante and Lana Del Ray's debut, which is now a year old.

Two recent albums from John Frusciante and Lana Del Ray’s debut, which is now a year old.

To start off, there are two recent albums from John Frusciante; best know and previously a member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers on two occasions. I’ve shared one of his solo tracks on this blog before but, his own work remains relatively unknown to most. I’m a big fan of his work, even though I haven’t given his previous album (The Empyrean) much of a listen. These are still yet to make their way on to my iPod but the artwork alone reminds me of the albums John was releasing a decade ago (two of my favourites are from that era).

With that, my ‘big secret’ this time is that I’ve been curious about Lana Del Ray’s debut album for the past twelve months! There was one track that struck a chord with me – I can’t be bothered to check for its name now but, it might have been the title track; Born to Die. I look forward to seeing what the rest of the CD is like, as this is a bit different to my usual preference for ‘noise’. 😛 She’s the first female artists (that I can think of) to have really caught my attention since Katie Melua (I also own her first two albums).

Again, this one really needs to go on to my iPod before I listen to it – which then makes me wonder why I bother buying CDs… 😛 I was also surprised that all three discs arrived in the classical ‘jewel’ cases, when I’d assumed that modern CDs were being released in slim, card sleeves now… Yes, it has been a while since I purchased any new music! 😉

Last time I tried to rip some new tunes from my CDs, my laptop (through the power of iTunes) managed to re-produce several CDs in a terrible distorted state that was unbearable, even to my ears. I’ve tried following the advice of many comments found through Google searches but, this still happens, even when I attempt to simple play the CD in a non-Apple program. That does suggest a potential problem with my disc drive but I’m still yet to find a cause (or a cure).

Decluttering, Slowly

Over on the horizon, there may be an opportunity for me to move out of mum’s home and in to a clean space of my own. I’ll only be renting but, if it all works out, it should prove to be more affordable than the place I was living in before this blog.

In an effort to get myself ready and organised for my second (potential) move in less than six-months (I’m hoping for a call-back about a viewing next week), I’m looking at the boxes of stuff I still haven’t sorted through. What can I sell. What don’t I need. What do I really need to carry with me to my next home…

Everything must go!!

This is one box of two and, I’ve just listed the contents of a third (old computer games and consoles) on eBay this evening. It’s been a while and I’d forgotten how exhausting the whole process of photographing, listing, calculating and generally selling can be! I’m glad it’s all up there, even though the same items are selling for mere peanuts (it’s almost insulting) in similar auctions. Even if I have to relist at a lower price in five-days’ time, I’ll just be glad to get rid of this stuff when it does sell as I no longer have any ‘need’ for any of it.

In that box above, there are a few out-dated games (football management sims that no man could want) so, I may need to find a service or means of recycling them (if I can’t give them away). Freecycle will be my next stop for most of the stuff in there, aside from the MiniDisc Player – I remember how excited I was when I got this; in spite of everyone else falling for their MP3s… I did list this (complete with around 20 discs) for only £20 last year but, it didn’t attract even a single bid! 😛

I don’t want to give that away but then, that’s part of the reason I’ve held on to so much stuff – I no longer ‘value’ it for my own needs but, I see significance in the price tag that I can visualise.

There’s also a box of unused, budget printer ink cartridges in that box, for a printer my mum scrapped two years ago. I can recycle the old phone and find a new home for the Nerf gun. Taking things one box at a time. 🙂

 

T’ai Chi, Anyone?

Talking to someone earlier, she told me how she has used martial arts in the past to build on her confidence. I know from my brief experience in counselling that meditation can work well for me and, as a kid, I always wanted to learn karate; I never had the confidence to even admit to it; fearing that I wouldn’t good enough.

Now, I’m an adult; moving ever closer to the big 3-0. I’m growing within myself and, as the persistent grey clouds Christmas begin to clear, I’m looking forward with more optimism for myself. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday, where I’ll again raise my issues with depression and will enquire about the availability of CBT among other things.

(Photo credit: Londontaichi.org.uk)

As you might have already guessed, I’m also thinking about the possibility of learning some form of martial art this year.

Have you ever tried T’ai Chi?

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Thoughts on Depression

I was talking the mum about many things the other evening and, in my attempt to be completely honest with people from this year on; I began by telling her that I only needed her to listen when I talk. That her opinion or advice is not something I am asking for and that some things she said before Christmas only made me feel guilty. She took this well and so, the conversation went on and lasted for some time.

Mum told me about the first time she had seen me ‘like this’ and that was over a decade ago, when I was secretly skipping lessons during my A-Levels at school. This merged in to days before transforming in to weeks. I still don’t know how I got away with it for so long or, to be honest, why I ever did it. I can remember being home the day my mum answered a call from the Head of Sixth Form… I think I was supposed to be in one that day yet, I was hidden upstairs in my room. Maybe even lying in bed; listening and waiting.

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Poem: ‘Four Years’

‘Four Years’

Four years to the day
You came, I went away
But as hard as I tried
You, I could not find

I was caught off guard
Never one to expect
Who could’ve known
I wasn’t ready yet

Through closing my eyes
I began to see
Deep beauty within
I think you liked me

So, you made some mistakes
And withheld in your breath
That nervous feeling we shared
Sparing my thoughts of death

Our appointment was short
It was time to say goodbye
Your enchanting smile
A treasure for each eye

Upon my return
Yes, you were there
But our paths were not destined
Your name, you did not share…

Voice Inside My Bed

I’d like to write this post in the hope that I can express how this situation with my friend doesn’t always bring me crashing down in to a state of self-pity with depressive thoughts. To start off, I’m going to share this image with you. It may look startling at first glance but, I’d like you to read on for a better understanding and explanation.

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