He’s back again! I don’t know how long it’s been but he seemed to arrive suddenly yesterday, during the late-afternoon/evening. Anxiety. Fear. Hopelessness. However I like to label it, he’s here with me again right now.
Things are generally good with me at the moment and have been for a while now. When I say ‘good’, what I mean is that life’s bearable. I’m coping. I’m not living ‘the time of my life’ for every second as that would be unrealistic and exhausting! Instead, I’m finding ways to challenge myself, stepping out in to new experiences and continuously practising the art of mindfulness; attempting to questioning less.
In the past week or so, I’ve suffered a bit of personal heart-ache after trying to reach out to someone with newly-unearthed feelings but the fact is they’re not mutual and, well, I’ve since learned something about this person has affected my view of her!
Today, this evening and right now, I’d like to raise a topic that I’ve been wanting to discuss for several weeks. I’m hoping this is something that many other anxiety sufferers will be able to relate to. Today, I’d like to talk about noise, to ask how it might affect you and hopefully for us to share some of our coping techniques.
We still have a few hours until Monday officially arrives (ie. the weekend isn’t even over yet) but I can confidently say that this weekend has been a great one! Very busy, highly productive and I feel like I’ve really done something positive with my time. I have no regrets! 🙂
It all started with the usual monthly meditation morning… Continue reading
I can feel myself coming to this blog more frequently to write simply about things that concern me within my own life. Yet, I feel less inclined to write in-depth about subjects such as depression or anxiety. I’m not wishing to signify that I am ‘recovered’ in any way. I just intend to be able to write about things in general that I am not comfortable sharing with everyone else.
Today, I’m writing about issues regarding my own speech, which appears to have deteriorated gradually over the last ten-years. I stutter, slur, stammer and stumble a lot more than I have ever known. As a writer, I’m more confident, clear and coherent. It may be another symptom of social anxiety and my general fear of people but I realised recently that I often feel a ‘need’ to speak a certain way; to force myself to sound upbeat and happy.
Wow, what a difference a little solitude makes!
Also, having a shower, even late at night, offers some ‘healing properties’, regardless of whether the air outside is hot or cold.
So, today, I forced myself to be bold and to go and sit in my vehicle for each of my three breaks (I know, that probably reads like the opposite of being brave and instead, avoiding a situation…). I walked in to the canteen as usual, picked up my cup of tea and walked out (the last one to leave) without making eye contact with anyone. I couldn’t bear the thought that someone might notice and say something but, they didn’t (at least, not before I’d left the room).
Outside in the car park, I was greeted by a couple of surprised by welcoming faces who were basically on my side.
We’re situated right next to a major motorway but the rushing sounds of passing cars didn’t bother me much. It was so nice to be away from all of that negative energy. To be able to see daylight and to feel the direct warmth of the sun. My mind was spared the usual routine jokes and questions (about others; never about me, I feel inclined to add). That Radio was still blasting away but I was unable to hear it.
And a sense of freedom in my escape from a routine that had dogged me for precisely two-years. 🙂
I’m a little concerned by what might happen in the winter time (if I’m still working here) but, I’ve survived longer lunch breaks and college in the past. I can do it again. I must keep looking after myself! This is one way in which I can combat the ‘noise’ at work. Now, I wonder what I can do about my home life, living with family…?
As I haven’t written much at all of late, I’ve decided to try and compile a list of my specific anxieties; something that I can refer to later on and hopefully begin to assess and address each of them, one by one. This post is mostly for future reference.
My six-week evening course in Anxiety Management comes to an end this week. It’s been very educational, that’s for sure, and there are positive experiences I can take from having interacted with the group. But, I’ve barely been able to focus or concentrate fully on any given task, especially when it has come to homework. My mind is over-occupied with growing fear for a friend and I’m struggling generally to cope. I noticed during one homework assignment that I was criticising myself for not being able to cope in a situation, instead of fearing the generalised situation itself… If that makes sense?!
I’d like to thank each of you who has been there for me personally through e-mail and also, for those of you reading this who have also supported me through this blog. I am some way from giving up but, as much as I am struggling, I’m doing a better job of trying to hide it. I’m aiming to start the Low Self-Esteem course, which I think begins in July. But, if I’m anything like I am now then, it could be a waste of time.
For now though, he is my list of anxieties I’m aware that I suffer from. I’ll try to add to this if and when.
Toilet Anxiety – a fear of using shared, public loos that affects my diet and the irregular intake of evening meals on an average weekday.
Social Anxiety – fear of interacting with new people and feelings of inadequacy. A constant sense that people (even in passing cars along a busy road) may be noticing me.
Fear of Men – this relates to issues with my dad and a lack of a sustainable father figure growing up.
Fear of my Father – as above but more personal and much harder to avoid, as you’re ‘supposed‘ to love your family…
Fear for my friend’s safety, wellbeing and life at the hands of an abusive man.
It’s been years since I last visited the dentist. Now, I can’t even pick up the phone to make a new appointment (I’m not afraid of routine check-ups).
That’s my list so far and I may well add to it in future as I’m sure there are others.
Why do I often feel as though people don’t believe me?
I’m not an overly sarcastic person; that side only really shows through when I’m feeling slightly confident and even close to relaxed around people. Yet, I can think of several occasions throughout my life where others don’t appear to accept some of the truths and feelings that I’m trying to share.