Today started almost like any other Saturday morning plus, I was still dealing with the feelings associated with the news I discovered on Thursday night. I had a plan to go out for the day but, as the moment drew closer and I was ready to leave, I didn’t quite feel ready. For some reason, I just wanted to tell my mum about ‘the news’ that I was (and still am) struggling to accept. I spent a lot of time ‘umming and ahhing‘ in my room; pacing up and down; staring blankly at the wall with both hands on my head… Eventually, I walked in to the living room and, as I sat down, she looked at me as though she new I had something to say.
I told her, while managing to retain all my emotion and avoiding eye contact – I think I spent most of the time either with my head in my hands or, I was just rubbing my forehead. My eyes were also closed but, I was able to talk and, came to admit that it had upset me. Mum was more understanding than she had been in the past. There was less of the ‘this is what you should do‘ and more ‘how do you feel?‘, which I appreciated and, yes, it did seem to help. Telling her the little I knew about the fiancée, mum said it sounds as though there may be some kind of abuse or control issue present from the man’s side… It’s not really the sort of thing I need to be thinking about right now but, I’d be lying if I said that the same thoughts hadn’t already crossed my mind.
May did not respond to my congratulatory text this morning so, I’m leaving it for now. I worry about leaving things for too long though as she’s probably quite used to me sending weekly updates on where I’ve been. I worry that she might feel I’m abandoning her and may even accuse me of being jealous at a later date (I have previously told her of my feelings for her…).
Eventually, I did leave the house and feeling slightly better about things and this is where I went for a few hours…