Dear Boss

For many years, I have believed that I am ‘not suited’ to working five-days a week. I’ve tried explaining it to people but true understanding is hard to find. A most common response is: ‘Well, I have to do it!!’ It could be a matter of perspective; it could be a lack of satisfaction in what I do. Either way, my bills will never disappear and I feel resigned to enduring life just so that I can keep earning and giving money away.

I changed jobs last year. A change for the better? Maybe. But I knew in advance that this was never something I was going to want to do long term. I fell out of love with it almost immediately my general mood has been deteriorating since Christmas. I’m snacking a lot. I feel and fear I’m putting on weight. Insomnia is a long-term presence within my life. I often think about ‘not going in’… And I’ve done this a few times. My boss knows about my anxiety issues. But I always have to return or hide away as the same person and I know, deep down, that running away is not the answer.

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Home is Where the Noise Is

Okay. So I feel an urge to write this evening. This post is lacking the pre-emptive clarity and layout that usually precedes my writing. But, if I don’t do it now, I might not do it tomorrow.

I’d like to start by thanking everyone who has responded to my previous posts and not forgetting those who have merely clicked Like or taken the time to read through my words. Writing has helped. My week is improving as the days go by. Thank you.

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‘Hearing Noise’

So, I recently wrote a post about noises in the social situations that disturb and distract me, as a sufferer of social anxiety. Possibly the best example I’ve seen that demonstrates my own vision of this comes from the film Bruce Almighty. I’d been hoping to find a video clip of the restaurant scene (if you’ve seen the film then you’ll know it). There is one on YouTube but, without sound, it’s quite irrelevant. The video I have found gives you a taster but I want to reassure you that I don’t hear individual voices. In fact, I don’t focus on any one conversation in particular. It’s more of a ‘blur’ or stream of noise, voice and sound.

I hope it helps to make sense and that maybe someone else can relate. It’s not something that’s occurred recently and only arise on the busiest of occasions (perhaps at a city centre festival or a large indoor event).

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‘Release Me’

I’m wanting to write but the words aren’t quite there. I’ve never been great at pin-pointing a thought, let alone determining where it’s come from. I can’t decided whether to try and write here or whether to e-mail my friend privately, as I know she would be there. Maybe I just need some more time to think, without going over it all too much.

My intention today was to share with you a song this evening. Several hours ago, it was going to be the second single from Pearl Jam‘s forthcoming album (which I can barely stop whistling at work and replaying in my mind). Perhaps you’ll have to wait until next week for that one, if you’re not already off to YouTube.

But another Pearl Jam song popped up on my feed earlier on and that’s what I’ve decided to share. A track that has always resonated a sense of power with untamed emotion. This live recording barely disappoints.

Although, I’m open to interpretations as to what happens to Eddie Vedder right before the end! 🙂

And, the lyrics…

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Christmas Whine

I’ve been sat here for the last hour or so, trying to decide on what to write for today’s post while distracting myself with other things (YouTube, Facebook, etc.). I think I’ve had three different thoughts for themes yet now, I can’t remember a single one of them. So, I’m just going to write about my morning and whatever’s on my mind…

(I think that’s a warning that this isn’t going to be a positive post!)

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2013

In this post, I’m looking forward to the new year. In another post recently, I reflected back on all that I am grateful for from the year of 2012. Now, I’d like to set out a list of ambitions and aspirations for the new year. Some that I will aim to accomplish; others that aren’t a necessity but, they might give me something to hope for.

If I hadn’t deleted my previous blog, I’d be able to reflect on the goals I set out for 2012. I remember one of them being to find a girlfriend; someone to share life with, as I’d just begun internet dating. Well, I may still be living the mostly-single life but, I do feel as though I’ve moved closer to that target. I now know what I like and must look for in a person and I’m less concerned about meeting ‘anyone’ than I am in sharing with someone uniquely special to me.

Let’s carry on with my new list for the new year then, in no particular order:

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One Line Each (Writing)

It’s Wednesday night and I return to college tomorrow evening after a prolonged absence preceding half-term. So, that also means it’s homework night, being the defiant procrastinator that I am! 😛

Our initial task was to write a fictional scene of dialogue involving some form of conflict between two characters (much like a scene from Old Country for Old Men). I’ve run a couple of ideas through my head many times but have failed to get anything down on paper or, even, on the other side of the computer screen. I can’t visualise it and, despite all the spare time I’ve had to write something, it’s stressing me out too much (any stress is too much, in my opinion).

Instead, I’ve decided to attempt the ‘optional’ secondary homework and I’ll have this ready to share with the class tomorrow in less than twenty-four hours’ time…

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Staying In

As I sit here typing this now, I should be arriving in Bristol and thinking about parking up for my evening course in the next few minutes. I made it through the day at work okay (it involves more practical work than social interaction) but, with all that’s been in my head this week and, the fact that I’ve failed to find the extra 130 words, I’ve made a decision not to go in this evening.

I’m not close to tears or anything like that. I don’t feel flat but, I don’t feel in despair either. My meditations, I believe, have left me in this emotionless state that I can’t describe… I just can’t face having to sit in a room with others who’ve probably completed the introductions to their stories and having to share my own un-finished effort. I don’t feel like a failure and I don’t fear judgement from my class. I don’t know; it just feels very intense being there in such a small room… Maybe I should’ve chosen to do an art course first?

This does feel similar to the kind of behaviour that I exhibited in the final year of my A-Levels in Year 13, where I began to believe that it was ‘okay’ to start missing the odd lesson, which proceeded in to days and weeks until I was caught out and subsequently dropped out. This course is only one evening a week so, I don’t believe that I will fall in to the same habit. When I do return next week, I’m sure I’ll receive only sympathy, if anything at all. It’s certainly nothing to fear.

Maybe I secretly desire a bit of attention?

I’ve e-mailed my tutor to say that I’ve been struggling with personal issues this week, I’ve struggled with my 360 words and that I just cannot face it tonight. Is this my way of saying ‘I suffer from anxiety and depression‘?

I really can’t describe my mood right now… I’m not happy but I’m not sad. Neither am ‘flat’, as I often do feel. It just feels like there’s a block on my mind and everything. I know that I’m struggling to accept that May is back with her boyfriend and everything that comes with that. I’ve been to the local Tesco already to buy milk and dog food so, I know I’m not totally in fear of all people this evening.

I need to arrange an appointment with my GP soon. There’s one medical issue that I need to follow up on and I’m also going to try and talk openly about getting a referral to a psychiatrist. Is it social anxiety or, is it something more? I believe in trying to do what one can to help oneself and now, I’m feeling stronger, in the sense that I may be able to face up to and handle some realities. I’m going to e-mail my counsellor about some things as well to see what they think.

Thank you for reading. 🙂

Morning

Well, I’m up, out of bed and completing Day 15 of the thirty-day challenge has helped to awaken my mind. Not that I have anything in particular planned today… I was fortunate to escape the rain during yesterday’s outing and I’m sure that more is forecast for today (tomorrow looks even worse, before I head back to work). My legs are knackered any way – that’s three-days worth of walking; a good nine or ten hours of physical activity, by my estimate. Phew! Sounds tiring just thinking about it! 🙂

In a while, I’ll try to take the dog for a walk as I haven’t personally done this for a few weeks. Usually, it’s my sister’s responsibility as she’s currently out of work and has the time during the day. In fairness, I take her for longer walks but, I’m grateful that my sister can be here to ensure she gets some exercise. It wasn’t this convenient when I was living alone with Katie… Working from 7am until 17.00 most days, I was either too tired in the summer or it was too dark in the winter. Plus, my landlord had his own dogs, which complicated matters and often meant that I had to sneak her in the van and drive down the road to the park, which completely defeats the object of going for a walk!

I still need to change my bed sheets, having slept in this dirtiness (alone) for about two-months now. If I had someone to share it with, I would make a greater effort. I’m also thinking about going around the house with a vacuum. I can’t tell when my mum last did this but I know she’ll appreciate this when she’s back at the weekend. My room hasn’t been done since the day I moved in. As I eat most of my meals in here, there are bound to be crumbs and all sorts hidden within the carpet (I don’t let the dog in here as it irritates me when she goes around sniffing the floor).

I look at the state of our garden and I despair at how bad I’ve let it become. Weeds everywhere; I haven’t pulled them for months. If I can find the strength and provided the weather holds up, I’ll try to tackle it later. I never liked the fact how this was always viewed as ‘my responsibility‘. Even when I lived a couple of miles away, my mum made no attempt to find someone else to do anything more than cut the grass. It’s not difficult at all and I wish she’d encourage my sister to do something more than staying online to 6am and then sleeping through until 15.00 each day… There’s loads of painting and DIY to do outside but, none of us really has the spare cash at the moment and I wasn’t able to keep on top of it during the wet summer we’ve had.

I’ve got until tomorrow night to basically write an introduction to a short story, from the first-person perspective of a character I’ve chosen to work with in class. The pressure’s already mounting, even though I feel slightly more comfortable writing at home than I do when I’m in a class surrounded by others. I’ll try to do that later – hopefully, the other practical activities will help to get me in the right frame of mind…

I’ve only been back at my mum’s for two months and already I’m looking around to see what other options may be available locally. I can’t handle living here under someone else’s watch. She said I would be treated like a lodger but, it doesn’t feel that way at all. I need my own space to create my own sound and voice. I cannot focus when I want to write; I’ve mentioned before about the footsteps and general sounds that come from upstairs and the semi-detached home the other side of my bedroom wall. I would like to pick up my guitars at some point and try to play but, I fear being heard by others; disturbing others. Most of the poetry I’ve shared with you came from when I was living alone. I can’t do that here. I need to get out!

Day 3 – Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

Thinking about today’s subject, it didn’t take me long to come up with an answer. So, I feel I can go straight in to this one without too much forethought…

Day 3 – Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

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