Staying In

As I sit here typing this now, I should be arriving in Bristol and thinking about parking up for my evening course in the next few minutes. I made it through the day at work okay (it involves more practical work than social interaction) but, with all that’s been in my head this week and, the fact that I’ve failed to find the extra 130 words, I’ve made a decision not to go in this evening.

I’m not close to tears or anything like that. I don’t feel flat but, I don’t feel in despair either. My meditations, I believe, have left me in this emotionless state that I can’t describe… I just can’t face having to sit in a room with others who’ve probably completed the introductions to their stories and having to share my own un-finished effort. I don’t feel like a failure and I don’t fear judgement from my class. I don’t know; it just feels very intense being there in such a small room… Maybe I should’ve chosen to do an art course first?

This does feel similar to the kind of behaviour that I exhibited in the final year of my A-Levels in Year 13, where I began to believe that it was ‘okay’ to start missing the odd lesson, which proceeded in to days and weeks until I was caught out and subsequently dropped out. This course is only one evening a week so, I don’t believe that I will fall in to the same habit. When I do return next week, I’m sure I’ll receive only sympathy, if anything at all. It’s certainly nothing to fear.

Maybe I secretly desire a bit of attention?

I’ve e-mailed my tutor to say that I’ve been struggling with personal issues this week, I’ve struggled with my 360 words and that I just cannot face it tonight. Is this my way of saying ‘I suffer from anxiety and depression‘?

I really can’t describe my mood right now… I’m not happy but I’m not sad. Neither am ‘flat’, as I often do feel. It just feels like there’s a block on my mind and everything. I know that I’m struggling to accept that May is back with her boyfriend and everything that comes with that. I’ve been to the local Tesco already to buy milk and dog food so, I know I’m not totally in fear of all people this evening.

I need to arrange an appointment with my GP soon. There’s one medical issue that I need to follow up on and I’m also going to try and talk openly about getting a referral to a psychiatrist. Is it social anxiety or, is it something more? I believe in trying to do what one can to help oneself and now, I’m feeling stronger, in the sense that I may be able to face up to and handle some realities. I’m going to e-mail my counsellor about some things as well to see what they think.

Thank you for reading. 🙂

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Morning

Well, I’m up, out of bed and completing Day 15 of the thirty-day challenge has helped to awaken my mind. Not that I have anything in particular planned today… I was fortunate to escape the rain during yesterday’s outing and I’m sure that more is forecast for today (tomorrow looks even worse, before I head back to work). My legs are knackered any way – that’s three-days worth of walking; a good nine or ten hours of physical activity, by my estimate. Phew! Sounds tiring just thinking about it! 🙂

In a while, I’ll try to take the dog for a walk as I haven’t personally done this for a few weeks. Usually, it’s my sister’s responsibility as she’s currently out of work and has the time during the day. In fairness, I take her for longer walks but, I’m grateful that my sister can be here to ensure she gets some exercise. It wasn’t this convenient when I was living alone with Katie… Working from 7am until 17.00 most days, I was either too tired in the summer or it was too dark in the winter. Plus, my landlord had his own dogs, which complicated matters and often meant that I had to sneak her in the van and drive down the road to the park, which completely defeats the object of going for a walk!

I still need to change my bed sheets, having slept in this dirtiness (alone) for about two-months now. If I had someone to share it with, I would make a greater effort. I’m also thinking about going around the house with a vacuum. I can’t tell when my mum last did this but I know she’ll appreciate this when she’s back at the weekend. My room hasn’t been done since the day I moved in. As I eat most of my meals in here, there are bound to be crumbs and all sorts hidden within the carpet (I don’t let the dog in here as it irritates me when she goes around sniffing the floor).

I look at the state of our garden and I despair at how bad I’ve let it become. Weeds everywhere; I haven’t pulled them for months. If I can find the strength and provided the weather holds up, I’ll try to tackle it later. I never liked the fact how this was always viewed as ‘my responsibility‘. Even when I lived a couple of miles away, my mum made no attempt to find someone else to do anything more than cut the grass. It’s not difficult at all and I wish she’d encourage my sister to do something more than staying online to 6am and then sleeping through until 15.00 each day… There’s loads of painting and DIY to do outside but, none of us really has the spare cash at the moment and I wasn’t able to keep on top of it during the wet summer we’ve had.

I’ve got until tomorrow night to basically write an introduction to a short story, from the first-person perspective of a character I’ve chosen to work with in class. The pressure’s already mounting, even though I feel slightly more comfortable writing at home than I do when I’m in a class surrounded by others. I’ll try to do that later – hopefully, the other practical activities will help to get me in the right frame of mind…

I’ve only been back at my mum’s for two months and already I’m looking around to see what other options may be available locally. I can’t handle living here under someone else’s watch. She said I would be treated like a lodger but, it doesn’t feel that way at all. I need my own space to create my own sound and voice. I cannot focus when I want to write; I’ve mentioned before about the footsteps and general sounds that come from upstairs and the semi-detached home the other side of my bedroom wall. I would like to pick up my guitars at some point and try to play but, I fear being heard by others; disturbing others. Most of the poetry I’ve shared with you came from when I was living alone. I can’t do that here. I need to get out!

Day 3 – Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

Thinking about today’s subject, it didn’t take me long to come up with an answer. So, I feel I can go straight in to this one without too much forethought…

Day 3 – Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For

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One Word

Through having lived with my own social anxiety for, I reckon, more than fifteen-years now, I’ve more recently developed symptoms of speech impediment, where I have difficulty pronouncing certain words and sentences in certain situations. As far as I can remember, this started back when I got my first job, working face-to-face in a customer service role.

This one man would come in (usually on a Saturday). He was friendly enough and always seemed to recognise me and make note of the fact in a kind way. But, he had this stutter and, when he talked, my reaction was to feel very uncomfortable (being very timid at the time) and unsure of how to act. Of course, I’ve never said anything about it (to anyone) and I helped him on his way.

That feeling and the memory, of each time I’d interacted with this name-less man, it has always stayed strong in my mind. After a while, I even found myself beginning to stammer and stutter and, well, it’s never gone away since then.

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Poem: ‘Work, Sleep, Repeat!’

Flicking through the pages, there’s another piece of my ‘short-writing’ that I’d like to share with you right now. The afternoon is passing quickly and my thoughts are already turning to waking up at 6am (usually sooner), ready for another depressing day at work, starting at 7am. I hate the day-job I have now, about as much as I’ve hated every other; each one for different reasons.

What I hate most of all though, is that I don’t ever seem to do anything on a weekend. I went out to see family yesterday afternoon but, I’ve spent most of today lying in bed, listening to music. I could blame the rain but, it’s not really the weather’s fault. I’m like this every Sunday; living the same old routine, without actually ‘living’, or so it feels.

Life should be about balance, I believe – and, that is something I do not have right now.

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Daddy Issues?

I’d like to make this next post about the ‘issues’ I have concerning my relationship with my father. It’s something that’s been on my mind recently and I cannot honestly remember a time where I have felt ‘comfortable’ in his presence. This is something I was intending to discuss recently with my counsellor but, we somehow bypassed it for now. I must admit that I’m quite afraid of talking about it. Nothing I’ve discussed in counselling so far (I started going just over one month ago) has come close to upsetting me and I fear as though there is something about this issue that is really going to hurt. I just don’t know what it is or why!

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