Week 4…

I’m sat here now, having been wanting to write this post all week and yet, I feel as though it’s already been done… That’s partly because it’s been on my mind a lot (feeling a sense of ‘urgency’ and necessity, in spite of a lack of time); but also, there’s a recurrent photo theme that continues on from last week’s belated update.

Had I not just checked my home page before writing this, I would be about to tell you about how I visited Weston-super-Mare after the course on Monday night… Instead, I’m going to tell you the truth from Monday 29th July. I’ll let you know where I did go… But instead of my CBT course!

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Just Another Day

Today, is just another day.

I feel no need and no urgency to ‘celebrate’ any form of special occasion, just because I could buy a card.

I am grateful for those who do have such an occasion to share and I do not mean to disrespect or to offend those with well-wishes for this day.

I made my choice a long time ago and, only recently, has it begun to feel as though other people are ‘okay’ with this.

Happy Sunday to you all.

Walking with the Animals

It’s not long since I arrived home from my first group CBT session with Positive Step (at the time I began writing this, anyway). That’s an experience I’ll have to share with you another time and hopefully tomorrow evening. I know; I really should write about it now while it’s fresh in my mind but, I like to try and keep my posts in chronological order and there may be something to gain from twenty-four hours of hindsight and reflection. It’s a very positive experience so far though. 🙂

Before I go on, I’d just like to apologise to anyone who may have been affected or ‘triggered’ by the subject of my previous post. I did hope that the headline would be enough to ‘warn’ people without placing a ‘TW’ in the opening paragraph but it has received a more minute response than I would’ve expected. I’m sorry if it did affect anyone in any way. This is an on-going situation where it’s hard for me to accept that there’s only so-much I can do to help someone I care about. Someone I’m concerned for. But, I aim to do everything that I can, as a friend.

Tonight, I want to write about the walk I went on with the group on Sunday. If we weren’t trapped in this winter weather that has spanned almost one-third of a twelve-month period then, I would’ve been able to share some photos with you all.

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Home Is Where the Hiking Is (or Was)

It’s been almost twenty-four hours since I last had anything to eat and I don’t think I managed more than two-hours worth of sleep last night. I left work yesterday feeling ‘a bit ill’ and not-right, before I found myself sat on the toilet and, well, I’ll spare you the details! Needless to say, it’s leave me feeling very weak and ‘hurty’ (like a flu bug) and, as I’m not feeling much better today, it looks like I’ll have to pass on the planned group walk this evening.

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At least now, I have a chance to sit down and write about the walk I went on last Sunday. There aren’t many photos to share but I’ll try to keep you entertained.

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Folk Friday

Now I have little time to sit down and write, I’ve decided to tell you a little bit about my Friday night from last week.

A good friend of mine had invited me to an evening of live music at the Grain Barge a few weeks ago and that’s where we ended up again; similar kind of music but different, still-local bands playing.

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Diet

I haven’t made many posts about food on this blog and, following on from a bit of an absence recently due to technical problems at my end (things are looking okay at the moment – touch wood), I feel like just going with this right now and telling you a bit about my diet for the past week.

There’s no doubt about it and, this is something I may’ve touched on before. Since I moved back in to my mum’s house in August, my diet has become anything but fully organised and, with that, there’s always the risk that my health (in some capacity) may have suffered as a consequence.

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Head Scrambled

This is the second consecutive evening where I’ve sat at my laptop in the hope of writing my homework, which is due for the class tomorrow evening. I’m still staring at a blank page, unable to find those all important first words.

I have ‘prompt’, plucked from a page within a national newspaper. I kind of know what I want to write about (or, at least, one direction in which these words could travel). I just cannot think clearly enough. I want to get it through my fingers, the keyboard and on to the screen but, something’s blocking me.

There is the ever-present fear that I’ll have to read aloud and share this with the rest of the class (something I narrowly avoided last week and, for the first time) but, I know what else is distracting me tonight and, I think you do too.

Yep, it’s her. I’m still feeling the disappointment of Saturday morning; the expectation that I’m going to lose her (if I haven’t already) to this unappreciative bastard to whom she keeps relentlessly falling back towards. I’ve learnt three things about him this week that have only lowered my opinion of him but, I’m not going to share them here. She took a turn for the worse last week; stating on Facebook that she was deactivating her profile for good, quoting it as “all kinds of a relationship destroyer“, which, to me, resonates with her fiancé’s erratic behaviour (not to mention his alias account, hiding behind an inanimate stuffed monkey). She also said how she can’t find the time of day or effort to have any real friends.

She’s sunk a long way from our conversation on the phone last Wednesday. Last night, I asked if she was okay but received a response asking me to leave her alone (depression – I’ve seen that before). She’s re-emerged on Facebook today but I’m fighting to urge to contact her. Saturday’s forecast is good, which opens an opportunity in my mind for us to go out and do something.

If I write to her at the wrong time, I’ll feel even worse. If I don’t do anything at all, I’ll feel no different to my current state. If I wait too long, I don’t know. I’m very aware and honest now about the fact that this whole situation is affecting me. Walking on a Sunday provides a welcome distraction (and, with other people). This week has been so difficult, following the “rejection” of Saturday.

I want to try and write a poem to let out some of my thoughts. Maybe I should write another letter. In doing that though, I’ll only drift further away from my intended writing. I’ll still be behind, wishing I had another day, just for me. Actually, I wish that the torrential flooding in our area continues tomorrow, so that I can at least excuse myself from making the journey to class…

My sleep has been disturbed since Friday morning, when I was awoken at 4.50am (an hour early). Saturday morning, I was awake around a similar time, full of hope and expectation (also, anxiety). Sunday was the same, in preparation for my first group walk. Monday and Tuesday included. I haven’t felt tired, only still but restless; watching for the minutes to pass.

 

Match.Scam!

As I mentioned in my previous post that included a music (still) video, I’m hurting a bit today. I hold nothing against her for calling off our day out. I’m not upset with her personally; I’m just struggling to accept the emptiness I feel in the rest of my life (I can feel the tears coming as I type that so, it can’t be far off from the truth).

After (discreetly, as my mum was around) letting out a few tears for the first time in a long while (not to forget the many foot-lengths of snot – always, with the snot!!), I turned to my laptop for condolence. I must have cried for a good fifteen minutes and, then again, within that same hour…

Anyway, I felt a compulsive urge to return to the dating sites I’ve been ignoring for the past week or so since my six-month subcription to Match.com expired. I’d received a couple of e-mails offering renewal at a discounted rate and, yep, I decided to take up a three-month offer at 30% less than standard.

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All is Forgotten

Last night, I went to bed feeling good. I was so positive in my mind, that I even restarted my nightly meditation to combat anxiety. This morning, I felt optimistic about going to work, on an otherwise dark, damp morning. All was going well until lunchtime, when I decided to send ‘someone’ a text to see if they would like to meet up later…

***TRIGGER WARNING ***

***THIS POST DISCUSSES SUICIDAL THOUGHTS WITH MENTION OF SELF-HARM***

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