Disbanded

I was doing okay when I wrote that last post but, at the same time, something dark was creeping over my mind. I’d had a great weekend; leaving me with little to look forward to in the now-passing week, besides work in a job that makes me feel all kinds of negative things. I realised through CBT (another good week) that I am generally very critical of myself in anxious situation (self-esteem issues?).

image

My list of questions for whichever helpline is able to answer their phone first.

All week, I’ve been irritable. Starting each work day with fire in my arms; coming home to a state of anything but calmness. People constantly irritate me. I cannot tolerate the monotony of the radio or this job any longer. My pace slows to a crawl as the Eart begins to rotate at half-speed. Throughout all of this, there’s one constant thought or situation that is always at the head of the queue…

Continue reading

Advertisements

Facebook

This is just a quick one to say that I’m on Facebook, in case you haven’t already seen the link I added down the right-hand column of this blog.

There’s a page support this blog which you can ‘Like’ here.

And, if you want to add ‘me’ as a friend then, you can find me here (please note that it is not my real account and so, I don’t use it too often).

It’s just another way of staying connected with people and hopefully finding and interacting with even more. 🙂

For some reason, it accepts ‘Borred’ as my surname but not ‘Bored’, in case you were wondering.

Have a great weekend, all! 🙂

Three Months Waiting

I really should try to sit down properly and write a poem on this but, I’m also afraid of getting too deeply involved in it all, just when I feel I might be beginning to find my way to cope with the news of the engagement from a few weeks ago.

It’s been exactly three-months to the day (although, that was a Saturday), since May and I last met in person (this discounts the one occasion a few weeks ago where I believe I drove past her as she walked along the pavement with her brother…). I am sorry that we’ve not been able to meet up in this time, even though she has suggested that it could’ve happened at several points.

This post really isn’t about me… I still have my fears for her and, however much I try to distance myself from her, I cannot shake away my concerns. Again, I’m reluctant to take any of this personally or to heart, as I have no reason to believe that she has seen any of her other friends in that time and, I’m still asking myself, why?

There’s not a lot that I could do, whatever the true situation may be. I know she was well aware of this ‘unhealthiness‘ when we first met (she told me as much) but, it’s sad to see her suspected slide back down in to the same old state.

We’ve actually had a rather promising and productive week, as friends. Just as I’m trying to distance myself by not messaging her too often (I know that sounds cold), a text arrives to say how scared she is about a certain incident. She came straight to me, ahead of anyone else. I could question why she didn’t contact her fiancée but, I was delighted to be able offer reassurance. She then replied to say how she knew that she could only really get the best opinion from me. Well, okay, if do you say so… 😀

But, as soon as I turned to the question of whether she’d like to meet up soon (no date, no suggestions) – silence. Message read, without reply. Hmmmm…

Yesterday morning, I decided to send her a short story she had asked about a week or two earlier. It’s more of a first-person journal entry from my perspective of the day we first met. But, over 2,000 spread across three A4 pages, nonetheless!! I was concerned she might get the wrong impression over some of my views but, she read it straight away and loved it! She even had the acute audacity to remind me that I’d forgotten at least one event from the day (I could recall a second as well).

Maybe it’s just women… (No offence intended towards anyone!) You can’t love them, you can’t live with them and, it’s not even that straight-forward being friends with them…. 😳

(Of course, I am joking but, it helps to show that my mood is in better spirits this evening. ;-))

World Suicide Prevention Day 2012

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day 2012 and, for others in the UK, I am writing this on Sunday night, with the post scheduled to appear on my blog just before 7am. This is the time that my new working week starts and, to be honest, it’s never something I look forward to. But, this cause and creating its awareness is important to me, as I know and care about someone who sufferers with such devastating thoughts from time to time.

My first contribution to this international day of communion, is to be shared through this poem. I hope I haven’t missed the point or gone off tangent with it. I have experienced suicidal thoughts several times in my life and they still creep up every now and again. I’ve never been entirely serious about following any of them through so, this poem isn’t entirely relevant to that. For sufferers of any mental health issue, we often regard our homes as our one ‘safe place‘; our very own sanctuary from a world that can be full of hurt and pain. In my experience though, home life isn’t always a happy, comfortable place when it’s a space shared with others.

This evening, after work, I aim to write and share a very short story with you. For now, please read the poem I wrote last week:

‘Living with Fear’

When I arrive, you’re sometimes there
Sitting, controlling, in your chair
This is when I need my space
But, home life can be very hard to face

I feel as though I can’t relax
As though there’s someone, on my back
This is when I feel suppressed
Thoughts of eating? I can barely get dressed!

Time has passed but little has changed
If only, there was to be a way
Where I could live in peace, alone
Because, right now, this is not my safe zone.

Thank you for reading all of this and for doing your part to support this cause and to increase awareness. If you know someone who suffers from suicidal thoughts and tendencies, take a moment to remind them that they’re not alone; tell them how much you care; how much they mean to you as a friend, relative or loved one, as I will do today.