About Noise

Things are generally good with me at the moment and have been for a while now. When I say ‘good’, what I mean is that life’s bearable. I’m coping. I’m not living ‘the time of my life’ for every second as that would be unrealistic and exhausting! Instead, I’m finding ways to challenge myself, stepping out in to new experiences and continuously practising the art of mindfulness; attempting to questioning less.

In the past week or so, I’ve suffered a bit of personal heart-ache after trying to reach out to someone with newly-unearthed feelings but the fact is they’re not mutual and, well, I’ve since learned something about this person has affected my view of her!

Today, this evening and right now, I’d like to raise a topic that I’ve been wanting to discuss for several weeks. I’m hoping this is something that many other anxiety sufferers will be able to relate to. Today, I’d like to talk about noise, to ask how it might affect you and hopefully for us to share some of our coping techniques.

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‘House of Dirt and Puddles’

Before you scream ‘WTF?!?‘ out loud, I should direct you to the Daily Prompt for today:

Write down the first words that comes to mind when we say . . .

. . . home.

. . . soil.

. . . rain.

Use those words in the title of your post.

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Disappointment

This morning, I was awoken at 4.50am by the sound of my sister finally making her way upstairs and to bed (I have a downstairs bedroom and, since her job finished, she’s become ‘nocturnal’ again). As much as I tried though, I couldn’t quite fall back to sleep. I was awoken but more alert than tired. I was excited, for this was due to be the day where I would see my best friend for the first time in three months.

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‘Good Afternoon’

I wanted to include this somewhere in my previous post about the trip to Bath today but, it wouldn’t fit.

As I was walking around the perimeter of a playing field, I passed a young (mid-to-late 30s) couple walking with their daughter. The man never spoke a word and I couldn’t make eye contact with any one of them after the initial glance but, as we passed, the woman greeted me with a ‘Good afternoon‘. I responded with an undignified ‘Hi…‘, while trying to awkwardly smile at the ground.

Then, the daughter did the exact same thing as I walked past her (I guess they breed good manners in their family – or, is it true what I’ve heard about people from Bath… ;-)). Again, I uttered nothing more than a discreet ‘Hi…‘, while trying to force a believable smile that only the fallen leaves would see.

She then approached her mother – “He only says hi!“, as if to suggest that she needs a break from her elocution lessons! I didn’t her the mother’s response and I’m not going to place a judgement on them by contemplating anything more. I’ll take it as I first heard it and try to maintain a genuine smile, if only hidden inside the walls of my skull. 🙂

…I’m more concerned by the way in which the woman attempted to greet me, even though I was clearly looking downwards, in the hope of avoiding even the slightest form of confrontation. No-one else even muttered a word to me (apart from the ‘tramp’ who wanted his photo taken)… But, I think we’re all a little bit awkward in those situations. Most people go for a walk to get away from stressful situations.

Come to think of it, why was the little girl off school? I saw another couple of girls playing with their two dogs and mother in another field. Some kids were being walked home from school as I made my way back to the car park but clearly, not all children in Bath were at school today…

What is ‘Genuine’?

I’m weak… I said I was going to resist contacting her for now but, I gave in, only to let her know how my day went and to assume that she was doing quite well. She replied to say quite the opposite. She was glad to hear from me and, of my day but, it’s clear that there’s something very, very wrong in their relationship. She is desperately unhappy. I felt like she was trying to reach out to me so, I offered a hand. In fact, I did a bit more than that by asking her if she’d like to talk about it (even after she said she hates talking about personal stuff and regrets making things public on social networking sites)… She told me to leave her alone. I won’t quote it properly because it was all written in upper-case with lots of exclamation marks behind. I am surprise she didn’t unfriend me on the spot but then, I have left her alone and it’s clear that she’s in a very dark and lonely place.

I worry about her but, once again, I’ve realised that I cannot help someone who is not prepared (or afraid) to help themselves.

A little while after that and, still online, I received a message from someone on a dodgy dating site (POF). She said I seemed genuine but, having spoken to her for a couple of hours, I’m beginning to feel that the word (genuine) is only true in the eye of the beholder (like beauty and perfection). At first, she seemed very ‘genuine’, sharing my interest in walking and we had more in common. I asked about her writing and she offered to show me some of her work…

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Muddled

Sorry, I just can’t contain this in my head tonight. I need to let it out!

So, earlier this evening, I sent ‘May’ a message on Facebook to see if she might be free tomorrow (when I first met her, Wednesday was one of her days off as she worked all weekend). She replies to say that the rotas have changed and that she’s only free on Saturdays now. That’s fine, she did mention some time ago that it all might change. I’m okay with everything so far.

She mentions that it’s ‘bad’ for her because it means she won’t get to see her boyfriend (I guess he works Saturdays or, he’s out with his son). I replied to say that it sounds as though they’ve worked things out and that I’m pleased for her (I genuinely am; as long as she is happy and is where she wants to be).

I wish I’d just done the obvious thing and asked her if she was free this coming Saturday… (It sounds like she may be). Because, I sent her reply and it came up as having been ‘read’ a minute or so later – Facebook can torture and anxious mind; telling you when your message has been read, even hours or days after you sent it!

So, if she read it so quickly then, why didn’t she reply?

It came via her phone so, I guess she could be busy. But, this isn’t the first time where I’ve experienced this and I now expect the ‘conversation’ to continue (over the coming weeks) with four or five messages of me apparently talking to myself (no responses from her).

My mind says that I’ve again touched on something concerning her relationship. Is she really happy? Are they really all loved-up and stable again? Was she secretly hoping that I would again express my feelings for her, with a little added jealousy?

This is driving me nuts simply because I like her and I have nothing else in my life to distract my anxieties.

I’m going to try and focus on making an arrangement to meet up again soon. All going well, it could be this Saturday but, I’ll now give her a day or two before asking (I don’t like pester; only to fester within in my own mind!). If I can meet with her, I will find a time to sit down and apologise to her for ‘mis-reading’ her intentions as only friends. At least then, I might get a straight answer, away from her boyfriend. I am tempted to question how I hurt her by rejoining a dating site about five-weeks ago when she was getting back with him but, that’s not the sort of question I should begin any conversation with.

It’s coming, I know it. I’ve been dreading this for most of the time that I’ve known her and I fear that it could all be over soon.

Then, what?

Back to nothing. No-one. Emptiness, more pain and a loss of hope.

It needs a resolution, you can all see that, however you read the story as I have tried to recreate it. I just hope I’m strong enough to survive the ending that hasn’t yet been written…

Nothing Left to Say

This week, I had my first counselling session for almost three-weeks. We’d agreed to take a break after six straight sessions together and, it was clear by that time that I’d already made significant progress and that I was becoming a more relaxed person. During the break, I must admit that I’ve let my meditation routine slip. I’ll do it one night but then, maybe not for another four days or more… Thinking right now, I can’t remember listening to either of them since Sunday! But, I seem to be okay.

I was keen not to ‘give up’ just yet as there were two major issues in my life that I wanted to try and talk about and, I’ll try to elaborate on these a little with this post.

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