It does concern me a little, in that I’m beginning to write here a little more regularly than I have done. But I don’t feel the same ‘need’ to unleash waves of negativity and sorrow, as I have done at times in the past. Writing the post last night reminded me that this does help, as some of my blurred thoughts (or at least, their intensity) began to subside. I was able to begin the day in a better frame of mind.
It’s been five-days since my third week in the Self Esteem course and I apologise for the gaping delay in writing this post. For the past week, I’ve been unable to log-in for more than a few minutes… That’s been the highlight of my efforts! For the rest of the time, I’ve been unable to load a single WordPress-hosted site; whether that’s one of my own or somebody else’s. Doing a bit of search engine research this evening, I’ve discovered that it seems to be an issue with TalkTalk (perhaps also concerning customers of other UK-based ISPs). All other sites appear to be functioning fine but I’ve not been able to get on here until this evening… When I suddenly remembered that I still have a mobile broadband with 3 Mobile! 😎
…I just have to be careful not to download too much stuff before the end of the month. My main reason for switching back to wi-fi last week was because I received a warning text to say that I am close to my monthly 5Gb limit (so many wasted hours on YouTube…). I often wonder why I still have this thing, as it’s costing me more than £15 a month but hey, I am grateful on this one occasion! 🙂
Tonight, I’d like to write to you about my experience of the previous evening, when I finally began the NHS-funded Self-Esteem course that I signed up for following the end of the CBT-based lessons in Anxiety Management. This time, they’ve extended the course duration from 6 to a total of 8 weeks, which should allow people to get more form their chosen course (apparently, it’s a common ‘complaint’ amongst past attendees).Continue reading
Before I disappear to clean up and get ready to head our later for a gig I’ve been invited to this evening, I’d like to sit here and attempt to collect my thoughts on my experience during week one of the Anxiety Management course; funded by the NHS and available locally through Positive Step.
As I sit here, preparing to write this post, I look forward with no definite plans for the day. It’s been a great weekend so far though, as I’ve managed to see all three of my close friends within less than twenty-four hours (including meeting one of them for the very first time)!
I’d like to start by talking to you about the band I’m wearing around my wrist in the photo above. I apologise that this photo isn’t perfect and you can see large marking where the lens on my phone’s camera is slightly scratched. This is known as a Thought Stopper; an item designed to help those suffering from the likes of depression and anxiety; a means of preventing the need to self-harm.
Talking to someone earlier, she told me how she has used martial arts in the past to build on her confidence. I know from my brief experience in counselling that meditation can work well for me and, as a kid, I always wanted to learn karate; I never had the confidence to even admit to it; fearing that I wouldn’t good enough.
Now, I’m an adult; moving ever closer to the big 3-0. I’m growing within myself and, as the persistent grey clouds Christmas begin to clear, I’m looking forward with more optimism for myself. I have an appointment with my doctor on Monday, where I’ll again raise my issues with depression and will enquire about the availability of CBT among other things.
As you might have already guessed, I’m also thinking about the possibility of learning some form of martial art this year.
Have you ever tried T’ai Chi?
This morning, I was awoken at 4.50am by the sound of my sister finally making her way upstairs and to bed (I have a downstairs bedroom and, since her job finished, she’s become ‘nocturnal’ again). As much as I tried though, I couldn’t quite fall back to sleep. I was awoken but more alert than tired. I was excited, for this was due to be the day where I would see my best friend for the first time in three months.
This week, I had my first counselling session for almost three-weeks. We’d agreed to take a break after six straight sessions together and, it was clear by that time that I’d already made significant progress and that I was becoming a more relaxed person. During the break, I must admit that I’ve let my meditation routine slip. I’ll do it one night but then, maybe not for another four days or more… Thinking right now, I can’t remember listening to either of them since Sunday! But, I seem to be okay.
I was keen not to ‘give up’ just yet as there were two major issues in my life that I wanted to try and talk about and, I’ll try to elaborate on these a little with this post.
Since Sunday, I’ve found myself in two social situations where I might usual feel uncomfortable, with symptoms of anxiety might kick in. My sister recently celebrated her birthday and so, we’ve been out for two pub meals with different parts of the family. Both times, I wasn’t the one in control so, I guess that helps to relieve any feelings of stress of pressure. Also, I was amongst friends and family that I knew, even if I don’t get to see some of them very often. I even managed to sit through an entire meal next to my dad without coming too close to losing my temper!
I’ve been meditating each evening for almost one week now and, I wonder whether this is a sign that it is helping and that my situation is beginning to improve…
I’d like to make this next post about the ‘issues’ I have concerning my relationship with my father. It’s something that’s been on my mind recently and I cannot honestly remember a time where I have felt ‘comfortable’ in his presence. This is something I was intending to discuss recently with my counsellor but, we somehow bypassed it for now. I must admit that I’m quite afraid of talking about it. Nothing I’ve discussed in counselling so far (I started going just over one month ago) has come close to upsetting me and I fear as though there is something about this issue that is really going to hurt. I just don’t know what it is or why!