Monday Night Writing

Another night where I feel the urge to write.

What I haven’t yet mentioned is that I’m off work until Thursday this week. It’s rare for me to take any time off (I’m sure there’ll be more days and weeks like this before the year ends) but I decided to force myself to take a break for once. Back in September, I had hopes and the beginnings of plans to go away for a weekend or two but other ‘surprise expenses’ closed the curtain down on that.

I’d planned to take this time off to do some things for myself (mostly walking); to try and enjoy a bit more of my life. My mum’s been on holiday for almost two-weeks now and so, it’s also been a bit of an experiment in noticing how or if my mood is different with one less person in this house…

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Hole in Me

I’ve had one of those days where I managed to start but didn’t want to keep going. And then, not long before it was time to go home, positive energy sprung out from within and I was almost wanting to stay on later and beyond my means! The human mind is a very complicated thing. If I was still at work now, I wouldn’t have made it to the meditation class earlier this evening, where we talked about the brain, the mind and Buddhist beliefs of life after death.

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More Thoughts on Friends

Again, I was reminded of how writing here and sharing my thoughts anonymously can be a benefit to myself. The simply act of putting words on to screen helped to settle my mind last night and I awoke this morning with a pretty stable state of mentality.

So, tonight, I’m going to share one of my fears about friends in general and we’re talking about good friends here but of no-one in particular. It’s a small thought that’s lingered for a long time and I’m interested to hear the thoughts of others on this idea.

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‘Release Me’

I’m wanting to write but the words aren’t quite there. I’ve never been great at pin-pointing a thought, let alone determining where it’s come from. I can’t decided whether to try and write here or whether to e-mail my friend privately, as I know she would be there. Maybe I just need some more time to think, without going over it all too much.

My intention today was to share with you a song this evening. Several hours ago, it was going to be the second single from Pearl Jam‘s forthcoming album (which I can barely stop whistling at work and replaying in my mind). Perhaps you’ll have to wait until next week for that one, if you’re not already off to YouTube.

But another Pearl Jam song popped up on my feed earlier on and that’s what I’ve decided to share. A track that has always resonated a sense of power with untamed emotion. This live recording barely disappoints.

Although, I’m open to interpretations as to what happens to Eddie Vedder right before the end! 🙂

And, the lyrics…

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No Friend of Mine

I feel a bit of a rant coming on this afternoon… When something or someone irritates me, this is my way of choosing to deal with that emotion. I stop and assess where some might make a spontaneous decision. I choose to write here instead of biting back at any other person.

No sooner had I written once previously about saying ‘goodbye’ to someone and how I finally felt like I was moving on from that… This same person surprisingly emerged days later and on Facebook of all places!

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Something New

It’s been a few weeks since I last logged-in and wrote here and that also means that you’ve ‘missed’ the end to my CBT course. It was strange last week; to arrive home on a Monday evening with nowhere to go… At the same time though, it was welcome to have an evening at the start of a long week where I could just relax!

As that course ended, we were encouraged to ‘fill that space’ with something. If we’re able to allow ourselves to spend two hours of one evening each week on doing something that we want to do; an activity from which we’ll benefit then surely, that space remains available for a different activity.

I’ve been aware (and interested) that Positive Step offer an eight-week course in Mindfulness. But attending that course is not as straight-forward as you might expect… A telephone conversation/interview with the course leader is required before hand, so that you can both assess whether it will suit you personally. Because it requires quite a commitment for anyone not currently practising on a very regular basis… You’re required to practice mindfulness for forty-five minutes each and every night in your own spare time! But also, the next course doesn’t start until the new year and so, that would’ve been a rather long wait.

I don’t see any personal benefit from the Anger Management course (which they’ve recently renamed) and without repeating either of the two courses I’ve already completed, that would leave me with just the Assertiveness course to follow… Which I’ve decided to ‘postpone’ for the time being, simply because it is the one offering that involves ROLE PLAY!! :-S

Anyway, this week – tonight, in fact – I’ve begun a new regular dose of doing something that benefits me…

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Week Five

Is this really week FIVE already?! It’s going by so fast that I appear to have lost all creative originality, when it comes to titling these posts! 😉 I’m now beyond the halfway point, despite missing the session last week. All I can say to summarise is that it is help. It is making a difference and that it is giving me lots to think about and consider. After that synopsis, I trust some of you will still continue to read on… 🙂

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Five Qualities

Referring back to the experience of my first session in learning about Self-Esteem issues; I’m going to go on as I intended by writing about the five qualities I would look for in another person. That’s not to imply that I’m looking to amend or consider my current assessment (although, this may also help me with that). It’s mainly so that I can do as we were told in the class; to consider where I would position myself on each line and also, in relation to that “perfect” person.

Think Tank

Think Tank (Photo credit: Robiwan_Kenobi)

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New Self-Esteem?

Tonight, I’d like to write to you about my experience of the previous evening, when I finally began the NHS-funded Self-Esteem course that I signed up for following the end of the CBT-based lessons in Anxiety Management. This time, they’ve extended the course duration from 6 to a total of 8 weeks, which should allow people to get more form their chosen course (apparently, it’s a common ‘complaint’ amongst past attendees).

[Image taken from: http://blog.lib.umn.edu%5D

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Slowing Down

I can feel myself coming to this blog more frequently to write simply about things that concern me within my own life. Yet, I feel less inclined to write in-depth about subjects such as depression or anxiety. I’m not wishing to signify that I am ‘recovered’ in any way. I just intend to be able to write about things in general that I am not comfortable sharing with everyone else.

Image courtesy of a Google search.

 

Today, I’m writing about issues regarding my own speech, which appears to have deteriorated gradually over the last ten-years. I stutter, slur, stammer and stumble a lot more than I have ever known. As a writer, I’m more confident, clear and coherent. It may be another symptom of social anxiety and my general fear of people but I realised recently that I often feel a ‘need’ to speak a certain way; to force myself to sound upbeat and happy.

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