Here we are at the end of my first full-year on this blog. It’s ended in a more distant way than I would’ve expected. I mean, I had’t anticipated going on somewhat of an ‘exile’ from my own pages for much of the final few months. But I can recall back to last year’s post without entering any search terms and in this post, I’m going to reflect on my intentions for 2013, along with trying to summarise my achievements and realisations.
As I begin to write this post, I’m aware that it may not reach you on the same day. My internet connection is ‘unstable’ at the moment but I intend to get that sorted next week. That’s the main reason I’ve been so quite in the last month, where I’ve been wanting to check in and to let you know that I’m still here.
Even when I close the door, I never turn the key.
Should I hear a ring or knock, I will always answer. Eventually.
It’s a sound I can’t ignore.
A presence I’m half expecting.
Always waiting for.
Knowing that one day, she will always return.
My mind remains hushed while the body rattles.
I still expect the same end result.
I do this out of kindness.
I do not expect change.
It’s a test of resolve. A chance for redemption.
She has to make an effort. This year will soon draw to a close.
A divide exists. His eyes burn with nicotine in demand.
Those fists, I can’t restrain. But my door is always open.
I won’t lie. I can’t hide. Too many times, I’ve tried.
Another night where I feel the urge to write.
What I haven’t yet mentioned is that I’m off work until Thursday this week. It’s rare for me to take any time off (I’m sure there’ll be more days and weeks like this before the year ends) but I decided to force myself to take a break for once. Back in September, I had hopes and the beginnings of plans to go away for a weekend or two but other ‘surprise expenses’ closed the curtain down on that.
I’d planned to take this time off to do some things for myself (mostly walking); to try and enjoy a bit more of my life. My mum’s been on holiday for almost two-weeks now and so, it’s also been a bit of an experiment in noticing how or if my mood is different with one less person in this house…
I’ve had one of those days where I managed to start but didn’t want to keep going. And then, not long before it was time to go home, positive energy sprung out from within and I was almost wanting to stay on later and beyond my means! The human mind is a very complicated thing. If I was still at work now, I wouldn’t have made it to the meditation class earlier this evening, where we talked about the brain, the mind and Buddhist beliefs of life after death.
Again, I was reminded of how writing here and sharing my thoughts anonymously can be a benefit to myself. The simply act of putting words on to screen helped to settle my mind last night and I awoke this morning with a pretty stable state of mentality.
So, tonight, I’m going to share one of my fears about friends in general and we’re talking about good friends here but of no-one in particular. It’s a small thought that’s lingered for a long time and I’m interested to hear the thoughts of others on this idea.
I’m wanting to write but the words aren’t quite there. I’ve never been great at pin-pointing a thought, let alone determining where it’s come from. I can’t decided whether to try and write here or whether to e-mail my friend privately, as I know she would be there. Maybe I just need some more time to think, without going over it all too much.
My intention today was to share with you a song this evening. Several hours ago, it was going to be the second single from Pearl Jam‘s forthcoming album (which I can barely stop whistling at work and replaying in my mind). Perhaps you’ll have to wait until next week for that one, if you’re not already off to YouTube.
But another Pearl Jam song popped up on my feed earlier on and that’s what I’ve decided to share. A track that has always resonated a sense of power with untamed emotion. This live recording barely disappoints.
Although, I’m open to interpretations as to what happens to Eddie Vedder right before the end! 🙂
And, the lyrics…