Second Attempt

Hello! How are we all?

It’s been so long since I’ve sat down to write here that it felt remarkably strange, entering my user name to log-in to this unforgotten place.

I hope the title above these words doesn’t alarm anyone as I have mostly positive points to share.

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First Step

Before I disappear to clean up and get ready to head our later for a gig I’ve been invited to this evening, I’d like to sit here and attempt to collect my thoughts on my experience during week one of the Anxiety Management course; funded by the NHS and available locally through Positive Step.

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Thought Stopping

As I sit here, preparing to write this post, I look forward with no definite plans for the day. It’s been a great weekend so far though, as I’ve managed to see all three of my close friends within less than twenty-four hours (including meeting one of them for the very first time)!

Thought Stopper Wristband

I’d like to start by talking to you about the band I’m wearing around my wrist in the photo above. I apologise that this photo isn’t perfect and you can see large marking where the lens on my phone’s camera is slightly scratched. This is known as a Thought Stopper; an item designed to help those suffering from the likes of depression and anxiety; a means of preventing the need to self-harm.

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Anxious Thought of the Day

Here’s my anxious thought for the day…

When a very close friend tells you that you’re a ‘wonderful person‘ and also, a ‘great friend‘, why is my next reaction (after feeling positively emotional) to focus and dwell on the ‘friend‘ aspect?

She is the first person I’ve known in the real world to have ever said something so kind and beautiful to me. My counsellor used to try and praise me but then, it’s kind of her job… It actually means something (and a lot more) when it comes from a person you mutually care about.

I am so grateful for her words and I hope she knows that I will always be there to support her.

As much as I’ve begun this year striving to focus on the friends-side of our relationship (as only friends), I guess I’m always going to be secretly hoping for more, with the feelings I do have.

Another friend was talking to me recently about her own situation and I kind of came to a realisation that we cannot ‘control’ our emotions and feelings, just as we cannot dictate those of other people; as much as we may feel as though we want to. Feelings of love and compassion never truly fade away or burn out, in my opinion. So, is then about acceptance and focusing on other areas?

‘Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)’ – Journey

Having just sat here and watched this video for the first time, I still can’t decide whether I should laugh or turn away until the music stops! I only really looked in to it because of something I heard Alice Cooper say on the radio the other night – something to do with Steve Perry wearing a vest… I think Alice liked the video but, I still sensed an air of sarcasm in his voice.

This song came on the radio quite late on Saturday night, as I was off on one of my head-clearing drives in to the darkness. They usually take me a good hour; anywhere between Bristol and Weston-super-Mare, sticking mostly to the A-roads for speed and fuel consumption. This time, I headed south and, there is a bit of a reason for that.

I may well have to face the reality of ‘letting go’ of someone I care about, very soon. She closed the door almost two weeks ago. I knocked once, to which she didn’t answer and, I’m afraid of ringing the bell again too soon. I fear being blamed for something I still do not understand. I’m not ready to give up but, I may have to accept that there are some things in life that go against our own judgement and views.

So, here is the song. It’s actually been one of my favourite Journey songs since I first heard it in 2009. If you have to, ignore the video and focus on the music! It’s not like any of their most ‘mainstream’ hits, I promise you. I think it’s actually a shortened version…? I thought about finding a live version instead but, even I can’t be bothered to sit through several listenings of this song. 😛

For the lyrics (for which I decided to make this post), please read on below.

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One Line Each (Writing)

It’s Wednesday night and I return to college tomorrow evening after a prolonged absence preceding half-term. So, that also means it’s homework night, being the defiant procrastinator that I am! 😛

Our initial task was to write a fictional scene of dialogue involving some form of conflict between two characters (much like a scene from Old Country for Old Men). I’ve run a couple of ideas through my head many times but have failed to get anything down on paper or, even, on the other side of the computer screen. I can’t visualise it and, despite all the spare time I’ve had to write something, it’s stressing me out too much (any stress is too much, in my opinion).

Instead, I’ve decided to attempt the ‘optional’ secondary homework and I’ll have this ready to share with the class tomorrow in less than twenty-four hours’ time…

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‘Dear Dad’ (A Letter)

This letter begins without a greeting because, let’s be honest here; when have I ever greeted to you as my ‘dad’?

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Day 29 – Something You Hope to Change About Yourself. And Why.

It hasn’t taken long at all for me to realise how I’m going to respond to today’s challenge. The thought arrived almost immediately, in fact.

Day 29 – Something I Hope to Change About Myself. And Why.

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Cat Dream

I’ve been trying to remember a dream I had last night. There wasn’t really anything that I could recall from the moment I woke up this morning, except for the fact that one of three previous cats (the last and eldest) was sitting in the garden.

It was at home and, as I can recall, the garden was like an amalgamation of the house I live in now and the one where I spent the most years during childhood (my favourite – also where we had the most pets). They’re in the same village, either way and I felt as though I was younger than I am now, in this dream. No more than early-teens, if even that.

I was walking around the garden (looking for something?) when I came across the cat (Bramble) sat on a path. She was crying out in pain and I could hear this from a distance a way. As I found her, I could see that the majority of her nose was missing! It had been removed, by force and there was some blood. I wanted to go closer to stroke and comfort her but, I was also afraid of how she might react or, that she didn’t want that form of attention.

Then, I can remember going inside to find mum for help but, she didn’t want to know, telling me to just leave her alone or let her get on with it, or something. I went back outside to see Bramble again but she was still the same. I didn’t know what to do and felt worried because she clearly needed help and I wasn’t able to provide that for her. Well, I’m not sure if the feelings were ‘personal’ but, you know.

Bramble was our third cat. Before her, both of our other cats died – the first (Linus), I forget (he was old – and used to wee in the toilet!) while Maggie (still quite young) was partially run over by a car. After dragging herself up the drive, she had to be put down; there was no other way. Bramble was much older when we got her (twelve, I think?). She ‘came to us’ one evening, having been neglected by neighbours up the road and we came to take her in as our own. She wasn’t the friendliest at times (I remember her scratching me when I once tried to play with her in her basket) and eventually became quite ill. I’m sure mum described it as a form of dementia… She’d lose her sight and would begin walking in to things. I’ve never forgotten the confusing (almost comical) image of her trying to get under the stretcher rail beneath one of the kitchen chairs – picture this as something that runs between two chair legs and sits only two or three inches off the floor and you’ll get what I mean. No cat or even a kitten could fit under it. I can’t honestly remember but, I assume she had to be put down.

We had a lop-eared rabbit at the same time and I have one fond memory of how Bramble came to his rescue, one afternoon, from a predator circling overhead. Floppy (I was young!!) was a bit of a pain and a tease to Bramble, often bumping in to her and trying to provoke a reaction. It was as though they never got along as friends. But one day, this large bird was circling above him. Bramble noticed the predator eyeing up its innocent prey and sat herself beside him. It was amazing and I wish I had a photo to share! Needless to say, the big bird left them both well alone! 🙂

That’s a bit about my dream last night and also, of my most last feline companion, Bramble. We’ve seen and lost many pets over the years and I’m sure I would have many stories to tell.

Phone Shopping

This blog is already personal with regards to my feelings, thoughts and emotions so, I don’t see why I can’t also delve in to other areas that I’m interested in (it helps to lighten the mood at times).

For most of this year, I’ve been thinking about how ‘nice’ it might be to have a new phone. My Nokia 7230 is only two-years old but, it seems to be so far behind technology. I’m quite active on the internet and I see this as a reason to consider upgrading. I might then make better use of Twitter, I’d be able to instantly share photos with friends on Facebook and, I might even be able to stay in touch with readers and fellow bloggers during my lunch breaks. My current phone does have internet access but, it’s very slow and you have to use the buttons to move the mouse pointer/cursor (as it’s not included in my contract plan though, I really shouldn’t bother using it to try and read e-mails – last month, I ended up doubling my bill through internet usage!)

It’s been on my mind for a while but, I feel a bit ‘lost’ in the world of smart phones, androids and all that… What really separates at iPhone from the rest of the competition?

It was after reading this article on Yahoo just now that I felt compelled to blog about it and hopefully get some views and opinions from those more knowledgeable on the subject.

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