Day 29 – Something You Hope to Change About Yourself. And Why.

It hasn’t taken long at all for me to realise how I’m going to respond to today’s challenge. The thought arrived almost immediately, in fact.

Day 29 – Something I Hope to Change About Myself. And Why.

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Cat Dream

I’ve been trying to remember a dream I had last night. There wasn’t really anything that I could recall from the moment I woke up this morning, except for the fact that one of three previous cats (the last and eldest) was sitting in the garden.

It was at home and, as I can recall, the garden was like an amalgamation of the house I live in now and the one where I spent the most years during childhood (my favourite – also where we had the most pets). They’re in the same village, either way and I felt as though I was younger than I am now, in this dream. No more than early-teens, if even that.

I was walking around the garden (looking for something?) when I came across the cat (Bramble) sat on a path. She was crying out in pain and I could hear this from a distance a way. As I found her, I could see that the majority of her nose was missing! It had been removed, by force and there was some blood. I wanted to go closer to stroke and comfort her but, I was also afraid of how she might react or, that she didn’t want that form of attention.

Then, I can remember going inside to find mum for help but, she didn’t want to know, telling me to just leave her alone or let her get on with it, or something. I went back outside to see Bramble again but she was still the same. I didn’t know what to do and felt worried because she clearly needed help and I wasn’t able to provide that for her. Well, I’m not sure if the feelings were ‘personal’ but, you know.

Bramble was our third cat. Before her, both of our other cats died – the first (Linus), I forget (he was old – and used to wee in the toilet!) while Maggie (still quite young) was partially run over by a car. After dragging herself up the drive, she had to be put down; there was no other way. Bramble was much older when we got her (twelve, I think?). She ‘came to us’ one evening, having been neglected by neighbours up the road and we came to take her in as our own. She wasn’t the friendliest at times (I remember her scratching me when I once tried to play with her in her basket) and eventually became quite ill. I’m sure mum described it as a form of dementia… She’d lose her sight and would begin walking in to things. I’ve never forgotten the confusing (almost comical) image of her trying to get under the stretcher rail beneath one of the kitchen chairs – picture this as something that runs between two chair legs and sits only two or three inches off the floor and you’ll get what I mean. No cat or even a kitten could fit under it. I can’t honestly remember but, I assume she had to be put down.

We had a lop-eared rabbit at the same time and I have one fond memory of how Bramble came to his rescue, one afternoon, from a predator circling overhead. Floppy (I was young!!) was a bit of a pain and a tease to Bramble, often bumping in to her and trying to provoke a reaction. It was as though they never got along as friends. But one day, this large bird was circling above him. Bramble noticed the predator eyeing up its innocent prey and sat herself beside him. It was amazing and I wish I had a photo to share! Needless to say, the big bird left them both well alone! 🙂

That’s a bit about my dream last night and also, of my most last feline companion, Bramble. We’ve seen and lost many pets over the years and I’m sure I would have many stories to tell.

Phone Shopping

This blog is already personal with regards to my feelings, thoughts and emotions so, I don’t see why I can’t also delve in to other areas that I’m interested in (it helps to lighten the mood at times).

For most of this year, I’ve been thinking about how ‘nice’ it might be to have a new phone. My Nokia 7230 is only two-years old but, it seems to be so far behind technology. I’m quite active on the internet and I see this as a reason to consider upgrading. I might then make better use of Twitter, I’d be able to instantly share photos with friends on Facebook and, I might even be able to stay in touch with readers and fellow bloggers during my lunch breaks. My current phone does have internet access but, it’s very slow and you have to use the buttons to move the mouse pointer/cursor (as it’s not included in my contract plan though, I really shouldn’t bother using it to try and read e-mails – last month, I ended up doubling my bill through internet usage!)

It’s been on my mind for a while but, I feel a bit ‘lost’ in the world of smart phones, androids and all that… What really separates at iPhone from the rest of the competition?

It was after reading this article on Yahoo just now that I felt compelled to blog about it and hopefully get some views and opinions from those more knowledgeable on the subject.

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One Way Traffic

I’ve got to be honest – I’m really struggling to shake myself up this week. I said I was feeling better last night but, being complete honest with you, it’s a feeling that keeps on creeping back over me. I believe it’s to do with loneliness but, sometimes, I think about going to see my GP and asking for a referral to a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis…

My counsellor (who I sought through my own actions) only ever ‘diagnosed’ me with social anxiety. Sometimes, I feel guilty writing these posts and talking about depression because I don’t feel like I suffer as much as many other bloggers. On an average day, I can be okay. I might not be happy but, I can cope with whatever I have to face. Then, there are days where I’m incredibly low and I struggle to get out of bed. It comes from nowhere (that I’m aware of, at least) and it doesn’t go away. Well, it does eventually (after a few days) but, I’m not sure what the cure is.

Growing up, I used to think I had a form of autism, given my OCD tendencies (which have deteriorated, over the years) and my difficulty in understanding, interacting and communicating with others. But then, I’m not sure whether autistic people recognise their own symptoms? My dad’s brother is autistic and has always been in care yet, he thinks he’s just like the rest of us. Having met two bipolar women this year, that’s another consideration I have… But then, I don’t believe that my lows are as severe as those experienced by someone who suffers from manic depression. I can feel restless and unable to sleep at times but, I’m not aware that I’ve ever had an episode of mania.

It’s too easy to look stuff up on the internet and to believe that you have everything wrong with you. I don’t believe in online testing for this sort of thing but, I do wonder about speaking to my GP and how easy it might be to get a proper diagnosis… Maybe I’m just over-thinking everything, as I always do? I just don’t feel that talking and counselling is going to be enough. Finding a way to fill the emotional emptiness in my life may help but, I worry I’d be dumping too much on one person. I tried anti-depressants a few years ago and they did nothing (I’m also sceptical as to whether they’re anything more than ‘psychological’ – “I will feel better if I keep taking these” – I heard, from an ex-friend, of how these things are given away at care homes like sweets and chocolates…).

I just needed to say that, really. I have a slightly more positive post on the way next though, as I’ve been out again today and I’ll share some more photos with you very shortly. Living back at my mum’s really isn’t helping me. All of the disturbance affects my abilities to relax. At least, when I was living alone (and very cold), I could write. If I’d have bothered to try, I could have begun learning to play my guitar (I now have two that are alien to me!). I just don’t feel that I can do that here, sharing a house with two others, while another family lives on the other side of my thin, bedroom wall.

Day 8 – Someone Who Made Your Life Hell, Or Treated You Like S**t

Another day, another subject to consider and, I could easily relate this one to an immediate member of my family, in my father. Although I didn’t enjoy all parts of my childhood, there have been other occasions where he’s been good to me. He’s not the perfect dad but, he does try (certainly, a lot more now than what he used to). Also, I’d like to try and make some of these less-family-oriented in the hope of learning more about my interactions with others.

Today, I’m going to talk about one person that I used to work with and, perhaps also another…

Day 8 – Someone Who Has Treated Me Like S**t

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Day 7 – Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For

Today’s topic suggests that there have been times where I’ve doubted the significance to my continued existence and, like so many people, these thoughts have plagued my mind on many occasions. I can even recall thinking about it at the age of five, sat cross-legged on the floor in a school assembly. I’ve had the thoughts and I’ve even considered my methods and approach to the day but, I’ve never had the serious intent to follow it through (maybe I should carefully consider this for another post?).

Maybe there’s an element of fear that’s held me back in the past; all the unanswered questions and the risk that it may not go as according to plan. I can’t think of any one thing (or person) that has ‘kept me alive’ in the past but, I can certainly think of one person in my life today who has given me new reason to live.

Day 7 – Someone Who Has Made My Life Worth Living For

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Day 6 – Something You Hope You Never Have to Do

I’ve had a ‘day off’ from this thirty-day challenge as I was feeling quite tired last night and just wanted to enjoy the memories of a grand day in the outdoors (it’s pouring with rain today and there’s a chill in there are so, there won’t be any chance of a repeat just yet).

Day 6 – Something I Hope I Never Have to Do

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