2013

In this post, I’m looking forward to the new year. In another post recently, I reflected back on all that I am grateful for from the year of 2012. Now, I’d like to set out a list of ambitions and aspirations for the new year. Some that I will aim to accomplish; others that aren’t a necessity but, they might give me something to hope for.

If I hadn’t deleted my previous blog, I’d be able to reflect on the goals I set out for 2012. I remember one of them being to find a girlfriend; someone to share life with, as I’d just begun internet dating. Well, I may still be living the mostly-single life but, I do feel as though I’ve moved closer to that target. I now know what I like and must look for in a person and I’m less concerned about meeting ‘anyone’ than I am in sharing with someone uniquely special to me.

Let’s carry on with my new list for the new year then, in no particular order:

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Poem: ‘A Weekend Wasted’

‘A Weekend Wasted’

Three days off
With places to go
No wheels on the driveway and
Walking’s too slow

Why did I do this?
I let him decide
My loss of independence
I’m trapped to reside

Familiar evenings
Stuck in my own home
Family enclosing

Yet, I feel so alone

You made your decision
You gave me no choice
Even if I had shouted
You’d ignore my voice

I wish I could leave
To find my own way
Instead, I must wait
At least one more day

Down But Not Out

Today started almost like any other Saturday morning plus, I was still dealing with the feelings associated with the news I discovered on Thursday night. I had a plan to go out for the day but, as the moment drew closer and I was ready to leave, I didn’t quite feel ready. For some reason, I just wanted to tell my mum about ‘the news’ that I was (and still am) struggling to accept. I spent a lot of time ‘umming and ahhing‘ in my room; pacing up and down; staring blankly at the wall with both hands on my head… Eventually, I walked in to the living room and, as I sat down, she looked at me as though she new I had something to say.

I told her, while managing to retain all my emotion and avoiding eye contact – I think I spent most of the time either with my head in my hands or, I was just rubbing my forehead. My eyes were also closed but, I was able to talk and, came to admit that it had upset me. Mum was more understanding than she had been in the past. There was less of the ‘this is what you should do‘ and more ‘how do you feel?‘, which I appreciated and, yes, it did seem to help. Telling her the little I knew about the fiancée, mum said it sounds as though there may be some kind of abuse or control issue present from the man’s side… It’s not really the sort of thing I need to be thinking about right now but, I’d be lying if I said that the same thoughts hadn’t already crossed my mind.

May did not respond to my congratulatory text this morning so, I’m leaving it for now. I worry about leaving things for too long though as she’s probably quite used to me sending weekly updates on where I’ve been. I worry that she might feel I’m abandoning her and may even accuse me of being jealous at a later date (I have previously told her of my feelings for her…).

Eventually, I did leave the house and feeling slightly better about things and this is where I went for a few hours…

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Day 21 (scenario) – Your Best Friend is in a Car Accident…

… and you Two got in a Fight an Hour Before. What do You do?

My first reaction would be to congratulate myself on having a best friend – honestly, I think it’s been about seventeen years since I last had one!!

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Back in the Woods

On a lighter note, I did eventually make it out of the house today and back up to Leigh Woods, where I was only a few weeks ago. It took me a while to get going but I started with a shower, which did help. I still haven’t yet changed my bed sheets and I still want to trim my hair a bit but, I will do that soon. I couldn’t leave as soon as I wanted to because my mum’s friend had arrived to trim the hedge at the front of the house. There was room for me to escape but, as friendly as he is, I just couldn’t face having to interact with him or anyone else. So, I hid away and waited until he’d finished clearing up and drove off.

Last time I was at these woods, my camera’s battery died after two-hours of wandering. This time, I was prepared! Not only was it (almost) fully charged but, I’d also bought a spare! The 16GB SD card I bought at the same time seems to be lasting well – I’ve used it on three days now and yet, I still have around 1,600 photos left to take!

Clifton Suspension Bridge

One journey I was hoping to make last time was up to the Clifton Suspension Bridge and, as you’ll see from the photos, I made it this time.

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Two Hills in One Day!

I must admit that I’m neglecting my 30 Days of Truth Challenge at the moment. Partly because of how low my mood was for the past couple of days but, even today, after conquering two giant hills and feeling much better, I’m unable to think of one thing that people never seem to compliment me on (Day 12).

That’s not to suggest that I receive total praise and credit where it’s due. I just can’t think of it right now.

So, let’s have a look at where I’ve been today…

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Up High but Down Low

I want to try and keep this one going as a positive post because I’ve done well to drag myself out of bed, out of the house and out in to the fresh air of the Somerset countryside. Ever since I finished work yesterday lunchtime though, my mood has been on a steady decline. I spent the afternoon sleeping on top of my bed; I couldn’t even be bothered to walk the dog. My evening was no more pro-active and I was struggling to get going today. Even when I left the house, I wasn’t really in the mood and this usually changes once I’m out and about…

Maybe I’m finally getting bored of my own company? I have thoughts of not having to return to work until Thursday but still, I know I’m going to spend this time on my own. Maybe it was the setting?

Whatever the cause, I’m feeling low today and, not for the first time since I’ve been in counselling, I’m finding myself unable to crawl down and ‘hide away’ in my secret, safe space. It’s surrounded by nature; buried beneath a layer of leaves and grass. Inside, it is dark but, the walls are warm and earthly. Now, it’s as if someone’s concreted over and filled it in. I cannot break through, I cannot get in. I’m left stand out in the cold, exposed, feeling the way that I do right now.

Anyway, let’s have a look at where I went today…

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Gorge-ous!

It’s fair to say that I’ve enjoyed another good few hours out of the house today. People weren’t sure what to make of the forecast for the weekend and the next two days are meant to be a total wash out. Thankfully, the sun was out this morning and it hasn’t stopped shining all day. I was a little indecisive about where I was going to go today and a window of opportunity opened to meet up with a close friend last night, before it sadly blew shut again this morning. It’s okay though, we’ll see each other again soon and we’ll keep on sharing in the mean time.

I was contemplating a walk across the Mendip Hills (which I might actually do next week) but, I decided to face a potential fear and visit Cheddar Gorge, instead. You’ve probably heard of it (or, the cheese, at least). However, my biggest fear was not of the heights, sidling along cliff edges or even, having to step out in to the real world; I work with a guy from Cheddar who nobody likes. He can be pretty obnoxious at times and I had this bizarre fear that I might bump in to him. Actually, I think I did see him on the way back to my car but, I can’t be certain and it’s definitely not worth worrying about. 🙂

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Four Places That I Want to Visit

I just read this post over on The Bipolar Place and I thought I’d follow up Day 5 of Honesty with my own list of four places around the world that I would one day like to visit.

1. Australia – I’ve already mentioned that my best friend from childhood lives there but, there are many other reasons to go. I would like to try snorkelling around the Great Barrier Reef.

2. Japan – I’ve always been fascinated by their culture and philosophy. I don’t study it much but, you read so many things that I’d love to go and see what it’s really like for myself, with a friend. Climbing Mount Fuji looks like another achievement to add.

3. China – My fascination with far-off Asian lands is partly due to a computer game known as Shenmue. It’s a huge country so, I’m not certain of where I’d go. Karl Pilkington has made me aware of what to look out for (toilets and edible insects!) but I would like to walk the Great Wall… Maybe I’d prefer to visit Hong Kong and Wan Chai, to see where all the inspiration for sites within Shenmue II came from.

4. Iceland – This one’s inspired by a DVD Incubus released in 2007, titled Look Alive. Along with live music, there were short video clips of the band enjoying the places they visited, including a dip in the Blue Lagoon; so surreal in its colour alone. I’d love to find out if it’s really that warm when the snow is falling overhead… I can’t quite get my head around that! 🙂

(All these thoughts and, depending on the weather, I still haven’t decided on where I’m going tomorrow! :-P)

I could list a fifth one but, how about you?

Day 5 – Something You Hope to Do in Your Life

There really aren’t any one-word answers to these questions… I can think of several goals, targets and even dreams that I would like to achieve within my life time (currently twenty-seven). It would be too easy to list them here or, to focus on one of that may not mean significantly more than another. So, I’m going to focus on one that I discreetly fear I could fail to achieve.

Day 5 – Something I Hope to Do in My Life

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