Week 4…

I’m sat here now, having been wanting to write this post all week and yet, I feel as though it’s already been done… That’s partly because it’s been on my mind a lot (feeling a sense of ‘urgency’ and necessity, in spite of a lack of time); but also, there’s a recurrent photo theme that continues on from last week’s belated update.

Had I not just checked my home page before writing this, I would be about to tell you about how I visited Weston-super-Mare after the course on Monday night… Instead, I’m going to tell you the truth from Monday 29th July. I’ll let you know where I did go… But instead of my CBT course!

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Week 3 Review

It’s been five-days since my third week in the Self Esteem course and I apologise for the gaping delay in writing this post. For the past week, I’ve been unable to log-in for more than a few minutes… That’s been the highlight of my efforts! For the rest of the time, I’ve been unable to load a single WordPress-hosted site; whether that’s one of my own or somebody else’s. Doing a bit of search engine research this evening, I’ve discovered that it seems to be an issue with TalkTalk (perhaps also concerning customers of other UK-based ISPs). All other sites appear to be functioning fine but I’ve not been able to get on here until this evening… When I suddenly remembered that I still have a mobile broadband with 3 Mobile! 😎

Weston-super-Mud, last Monday evening.

…I just have to be careful not to download too much stuff before the end of the month. My main reason for switching back to wi-fi last week was because I received a warning text to say that I am close to my monthly 5Gb limit (so many wasted hours on YouTube…). I often wonder why I still have this thing, as it’s costing me more than £15 a month but hey, I am grateful on this one occasion! 🙂

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New Self-Esteem?

Tonight, I’d like to write to you about my experience of the previous evening, when I finally began the NHS-funded Self-Esteem course that I signed up for following the end of the CBT-based lessons in Anxiety Management. This time, they’ve extended the course duration from 6 to a total of 8 weeks, which should allow people to get more form their chosen course (apparently, it’s a common ‘complaint’ amongst past attendees).

[Image taken from: http://blog.lib.umn.edu%5D

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‘Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)’ – Journey

Having just sat here and watched this video for the first time, I still can’t decide whether I should laugh or turn away until the music stops! I only really looked in to it because of something I heard Alice Cooper say on the radio the other night – something to do with Steve Perry wearing a vest… I think Alice liked the video but, I still sensed an air of sarcasm in his voice.

This song came on the radio quite late on Saturday night, as I was off on one of my head-clearing drives in to the darkness. They usually take me a good hour; anywhere between Bristol and Weston-super-Mare, sticking mostly to the A-roads for speed and fuel consumption. This time, I headed south and, there is a bit of a reason for that.

I may well have to face the reality of ‘letting go’ of someone I care about, very soon. She closed the door almost two weeks ago. I knocked once, to which she didn’t answer and, I’m afraid of ringing the bell again too soon. I fear being blamed for something I still do not understand. I’m not ready to give up but, I may have to accept that there are some things in life that go against our own judgement and views.

So, here is the song. It’s actually been one of my favourite Journey songs since I first heard it in 2009. If you have to, ignore the video and focus on the music! It’s not like any of their most ‘mainstream’ hits, I promise you. I think it’s actually a shortened version…? I thought about finding a live version instead but, even I can’t be bothered to sit through several listenings of this song. 😛

For the lyrics (for which I decided to make this post), please read on below.

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Sand Point

Yeah, I’m struggling to come up with an original title for this one so, I’m just going to tell it as it is! 😉

This was something I did yesterday afternoon, as I finish work around lunchtime on a Friday. It’s not far from Brean Down (north along the coast), where I went about two months ago. As I mentioned with my most recent poem, I was also intending to do two walks today… I got up early enough, showered, put on clean clothes, made my lunch and got all my stuff together… Everything was planned, until I arrived to park at my first destination in Blagdon, only to find that the free car park was full! I drove around for a bit but, it’s such a confined village with so many narrow roads that I wasn’t sure of where else to rest my car. Perhaps I’ll see the lake on another day.

Sand Point from Sand Bay

Sand Point from Sand Bay

Failing that, I decided to head on towards what would’ve been my second destination; thinking that I could do the day in reverse. Instead of returning down the road I knew, I decided to ‘improvise’ by following my own senses towards the village of Draycott, located north of the city of Wells, just outside of Cheddar. According to Google Street View (“Google Godsend“, as I prefer to call it! ;-)), there was a pub close to the start point where I could park. I drove straight through the village once, believing I must’ve missed it. On my return drive through (as the fuel warning light came on), I realised that the car park was sealed off beside what appeared to now be a house!

https://i1.wp.com/farm9.staticflickr.com/8340/8233003246_6eb2a40f30.jpg

There was a school nearby with two cars resting but, I wasn’t sure if it would be right to park there or not… There is actually another pub further down past the-one-that-isn’t-anymore. If the rain holds off and I decide to try again tomorrow morning then, that is probably where I’ll park. No suggestions for car-parking were provided with this route.

Sand Bay to Weston-super-Mare

Sand Bay to Weston-super-Mare

Now, let’s return to the sea of yesterday…

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Down But Not Out

Today started almost like any other Saturday morning plus, I was still dealing with the feelings associated with the news I discovered on Thursday night. I had a plan to go out for the day but, as the moment drew closer and I was ready to leave, I didn’t quite feel ready. For some reason, I just wanted to tell my mum about ‘the news’ that I was (and still am) struggling to accept. I spent a lot of time ‘umming and ahhing‘ in my room; pacing up and down; staring blankly at the wall with both hands on my head… Eventually, I walked in to the living room and, as I sat down, she looked at me as though she new I had something to say.

I told her, while managing to retain all my emotion and avoiding eye contact – I think I spent most of the time either with my head in my hands or, I was just rubbing my forehead. My eyes were also closed but, I was able to talk and, came to admit that it had upset me. Mum was more understanding than she had been in the past. There was less of the ‘this is what you should do‘ and more ‘how do you feel?‘, which I appreciated and, yes, it did seem to help. Telling her the little I knew about the fiancée, mum said it sounds as though there may be some kind of abuse or control issue present from the man’s side… It’s not really the sort of thing I need to be thinking about right now but, I’d be lying if I said that the same thoughts hadn’t already crossed my mind.

May did not respond to my congratulatory text this morning so, I’m leaving it for now. I worry about leaving things for too long though as she’s probably quite used to me sending weekly updates on where I’ve been. I worry that she might feel I’m abandoning her and may even accuse me of being jealous at a later date (I have previously told her of my feelings for her…).

Eventually, I did leave the house and feeling slightly better about things and this is where I went for a few hours…

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