Disbanded

I was doing okay when I wrote that last post but, at the same time, something dark was creeping over my mind. I’d had a great weekend; leaving me with little to look forward to in the now-passing week, besides work in a job that makes me feel all kinds of negative things. I realised through CBT (another good week) that I am generally very critical of myself in anxious situation (self-esteem issues?).

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My list of questions for whichever helpline is able to answer their phone first.

All week, I’ve been irritable. Starting each work day with fire in my arms; coming home to a state of anything but calmness. People constantly irritate me. I cannot tolerate the monotony of the radio or this job any longer. My pace slows to a crawl as the Eart begins to rotate at half-speed. Throughout all of this, there’s one constant thought or situation that is always at the head of the queue…

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Abuse Without Excuse

This post comes as a response to recent events within the life of a close friend of mine. I haven’t known her that long but, from the initial online conversations, I felt as though something was ‘off’ with her relationship and that appears to match the criteria for Emotional Abuse. Six months later, I learned on one frightful night that the abuse was also physical. Yet, through fear and insecurity (I presume), she was back under his fist less than 48 hours after finding the strength to escape.

On Friday night, I received a message out of the blue, where she admitted that she was in an abusive relationship and asked for my help. She didn’t say whether anything had happened that night and there were long delays between other replies. I naturally offered to help, I told her I wasn’t far away and, although she suggested that she ‘might’ need an escape, well, she stayed there for the night and I’ve barely heard from her since.

Refuge – UK charity for women and children who are victims of domestic violence and abuse.

That’s a brief synopsis of the situation I’m witnessing. In this post, I’d like to share some of my thoughts and concerns over helping a friend through and out of such a situation.

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Three Months Waiting

I really should try to sit down properly and write a poem on this but, I’m also afraid of getting too deeply involved in it all, just when I feel I might be beginning to find my way to cope with the news of the engagement from a few weeks ago.

It’s been exactly three-months to the day (although, that was a Saturday), since May and I last met in person (this discounts the one occasion a few weeks ago where I believe I drove past her as she walked along the pavement with her brother…). I am sorry that we’ve not been able to meet up in this time, even though she has suggested that it could’ve happened at several points.

This post really isn’t about me… I still have my fears for her and, however much I try to distance myself from her, I cannot shake away my concerns. Again, I’m reluctant to take any of this personally or to heart, as I have no reason to believe that she has seen any of her other friends in that time and, I’m still asking myself, why?

There’s not a lot that I could do, whatever the true situation may be. I know she was well aware of this ‘unhealthiness‘ when we first met (she told me as much) but, it’s sad to see her suspected slide back down in to the same old state.

We’ve actually had a rather promising and productive week, as friends. Just as I’m trying to distance myself by not messaging her too often (I know that sounds cold), a text arrives to say how scared she is about a certain incident. She came straight to me, ahead of anyone else. I could question why she didn’t contact her fiancée but, I was delighted to be able offer reassurance. She then replied to say how she knew that she could only really get the best opinion from me. Well, okay, if do you say so… 😀

But, as soon as I turned to the question of whether she’d like to meet up soon (no date, no suggestions) – silence. Message read, without reply. Hmmmm…

Yesterday morning, I decided to send her a short story she had asked about a week or two earlier. It’s more of a first-person journal entry from my perspective of the day we first met. But, over 2,000 spread across three A4 pages, nonetheless!! I was concerned she might get the wrong impression over some of my views but, she read it straight away and loved it! She even had the acute audacity to remind me that I’d forgotten at least one event from the day (I could recall a second as well).

Maybe it’s just women… (No offence intended towards anyone!) You can’t love them, you can’t live with them and, it’s not even that straight-forward being friends with them…. 😳

(Of course, I am joking but, it helps to show that my mood is in better spirits this evening. ;-))

Three Months

Looking at my watch earlier today (it was a looong day at work), I realised that it is exactly three-months to the date since ‘May’ and I first met in person. Okay, it was actually a Sunday and not a Monday but, it was on the 17th of June.

Whatever happens in the future, I will always treasure that day, along with the memories and feelings I’ve been focusing on since I realised the date. Later on this evening, I’ll see if I can use all of this to write something… I’m writing this short post now to help encourage myself in case I come up against a struggle.

There are two things I feel I need to confront her about. Partly, to clear my own mind but also, to get a better idea and understanding of what she wants from me. But, I do need to be very careful. If I catch at the wrong time, it could create the end an end to our friendship (that’s my biggest fear). But then, I also fear that she may not need to be in a depressive state to take it the wrong way.

We did talk and share things briefly over the weekend. I suppose she could just ignore me… But, I’m really hoping for some kind of ‘resolution’ and honest answers that may help to put my mind and its fears at ease…