For six-months now, I’ve been wondering. Unknowing. Unable to receive a response. It was only while talking to someone else about their own problems recently that I realised I could to my writing, in an effort to restore order and peace to my mind. If only for a short while.
This post is the release of words I’m holding on to. A truth I feel a need to be shared. A good friend recently encouraged me to question the necessity of sharing these secrets with one individual but as each days go on, I feel that urge, burning on the back of my neck. It feels as if the right time is approaching. I see it as an means of drawing a conclusion to what is an ever-complex situation I find myself in.
For now, I write here, anonymously, in the hope of achieving containment.
It’s been another long time since my previous post and I’d like to begin by wishing a warm and Merry Christmas to everyone who happens upon this post! 🙂 Oh, and I also wish you the very best of success for 2015!
A friend of mine often writes about inner critics (of course, she’s not the only one) and I’m no stranger to effects of self-destruction and low-lying self-esteem.
For while now [to put that in to perspective – I think I first entertained this thought sometime before my last post!], I’ve had it in mind to re-assume writing down my thoughts and until very recently, I’ve been brilliant at creating every excuse not to do this… Then, last week, I finally bought myself a notebook and over the weekend, I grabbed a spare pen to place ink on the first page!
It does concern me a little, in that I’m beginning to write here a little more regularly than I have done. But I don’t feel the same ‘need’ to unleash waves of negativity and sorrow, as I have done at times in the past. Writing the post last night reminded me that this does help, as some of my blurred thoughts (or at least, their intensity) began to subside. I was able to begin the day in a better frame of mind.
I can feel myself coming to this blog more frequently to write simply about things that concern me within my own life. Yet, I feel less inclined to write in-depth about subjects such as depression or anxiety. I’m not wishing to signify that I am ‘recovered’ in any way. I just intend to be able to write about things in general that I am not comfortable sharing with everyone else.
Today, I’m writing about issues regarding my own speech, which appears to have deteriorated gradually over the last ten-years. I stutter, slur, stammer and stumble a lot more than I have ever known. As a writer, I’m more confident, clear and coherent. It may be another symptom of social anxiety and my general fear of people but I realised recently that I often feel a ‘need’ to speak a certain way; to force myself to sound upbeat and happy.