One Way Traffic

I’ve got to be honest – I’m really struggling to shake myself up this week. I said I was feeling better last night but, being complete honest with you, it’s a feeling that keeps on creeping back over me. I believe it’s to do with loneliness but, sometimes, I think about going to see my GP and asking for a referral to a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis…

My counsellor (who I sought through my own actions) only ever ‘diagnosed’ me with social anxiety. Sometimes, I feel guilty writing these posts and talking about depression because I don’t feel like I suffer as much as many other bloggers. On an average day, I can be okay. I might not be happy but, I can cope with whatever I have to face. Then, there are days where I’m incredibly low and I struggle to get out of bed. It comes from nowhere (that I’m aware of, at least) and it doesn’t go away. Well, it does eventually (after a few days) but, I’m not sure what the cure is.

Growing up, I used to think I had a form of autism, given my OCD tendencies (which have deteriorated, over the years) and my difficulty in understanding, interacting and communicating with others. But then, I’m not sure whether autistic people recognise their own symptoms? My dad’s brother is autistic and has always been in care yet, he thinks he’s just like the rest of us. Having met two bipolar women this year, that’s another consideration I have… But then, I don’t believe that my lows are as severe as those experienced by someone who suffers from manic depression. I can feel restless and unable to sleep at times but, I’m not aware that I’ve ever had an episode of mania.

It’s too easy to look stuff up on the internet and to believe that you have everything wrong with you. I don’t believe in online testing for this sort of thing but, I do wonder about speaking to my GP and how easy it might be to get a proper diagnosis… Maybe I’m just over-thinking everything, as I always do? I just don’t feel that talking and counselling is going to be enough. Finding a way to fill the emotional emptiness in my life may help but, I worry I’d be dumping too much on one person. I tried anti-depressants a few years ago and they did nothing (I’m also sceptical as to whether they’re anything more than ‘psychological’ – “I will feel better if I keep taking these” – I heard, from an ex-friend, of how these things are given away at care homes like sweets and chocolates…).

I just needed to say that, really. I have a slightly more positive post on the way next though, as I’ve been out again today and I’ll share some more photos with you very shortly. Living back at my mum’s really isn’t helping me. All of the disturbance affects my abilities to relax. At least, when I was living alone (and very cold), I could write. If I’d have bothered to try, I could have begun learning to play my guitar (I now have two that are alien to me!). I just don’t feel that I can do that here, sharing a house with two others, while another family lives on the other side of my thin, bedroom wall.

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6 comments on “One Way Traffic

  1. First, googling symptoms is one of the worst things you can do, ever. You start with depression and next you think you have ebola.

    Second your pain is no different, no more or less than anyone elses. Depression is tough. Whether a doctor labels it as Major Depression or simply depression.

    If you don’t think their diagnosis is correct, see another one. Remember they work for you. It took 44 years for me, after 10 years of it being labeled just depression, then Major depression and finally Bipolar. Now, with the right diagnosis, the mood meds are making a huge difference in my life. Do what is best for you, search for the right doctor for you, and work together to find your diagnosis. Be honest, even thought it may hurt, and it will help them find your help faster.

  2. Loneliness can be a factor. Even if you think you have always been bad at interacting with people, don’t give up. I still feel like I don’t want to interact with people sometimes, but I make myself and it ends up turning out just fine. You get better with time.
    Do chat to another doctor, I found I had to see a few people before I found I really was getting the best care.

  3. I think asking your doctor to see a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis is a good idea. If you don’t know what you have, how can you treat it? Some things can be dealt with without medication and doctors etc, but some can’t. It’s up to you of course, but having recently seen a psychiatrist myself and been reassured that I do actually have these illnesses, and it is not made up, made me feel a little bit better and a little less crazy. Also, I agree about the using internet for diagnosis…a bad idea. It can be useful to look up symptoms, but it is always best to speak to someone who is actually trained in these things and knows what they are talking about! Best of luck!

    • Thanks, Ellie.

      Is it easy to get a referral from a GP? Last time I spoke to him about depression, he gave me a prescription but I gave up on the anti-depressants after a few months.

      Counselling has helped to an extent but, I’m still left feeling like it didn’t do quite enough and, of course, my counsellor is not a psychiatrist, with all due respect.

      • I had been seeing my doctor for quite a while about my depression and eventually they said they would refer me. You can ask to be referred though, as I did at uni. They should do it for you, but I guess doctors vary from doctor to doctor. Good luck!!

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