I’ve been sat here for the last hour or so, trying to decide on what to write for today’s post while distracting myself with other things (YouTube, Facebook, etc.). I think I’ve had three different thoughts for themes yet now, I can’t remember a single one of them. So, I’m just going to write about my morning and whatever’s on my mind…
(I think that’s a warning that this isn’t going to be a positive post!)
‘Nothing Left’
I love you so much
It begins to hurt
My heart, restrained
Feelings still inert
I wish you could hear
Words I’m wanting to say
But how do I know
Would they scare you away?
Without you, I’m empty
I wish you were there
You had your own reasons
For which, you won’t share
More than half a year
You’re drifting away
I don’t like to say it
But soon, will come that day
I find my arms weakening
My face is a mess
If you could see my view
You wouldn’t settle for less
I’m back now, with nothing
These days never end
Has fate turned against us?
Does your heart pretend?
‘My Yearning’
Your head
Resting against mine
On our shoulders
We hold each otherFour arms
Wrapping us together
You rub my back
As I hold you closerConcealing the warmth
Shelter from the cold
Sharing the love
As each day grows oldWhen words do not matter
No sound can disrupt
Time passes by
Just the two of usHair, entwined
A rainbow of colour
Our eyes do not meet
Until the moment’s just rightThat feeling
I yearn for
Your memory
Cushioned within my heart
I’ve just been catching up with my personal subscription feed on YouTube when this video popped up today. It’s always been one of my favourite Incubus songs among many others. I first saw this particular recording as part of the band’s Morning View Sessions DVD. It was the first time the song really spoke to me; the way Brandon omits some of the lyrics towards the end – you don’t get that on the studio recording and they’ve since done even better (Alive at Red Rocks, 2004, with bass-player Ben Kenney providing the vocals at the same point).
I experienced a sensation of warmth the day I met ‘May‘. Since then, I’ve found myself feeling cold, far too often.
Please read on to see the lyrics.
I really should try to sit down properly and write a poem on this but, I’m also afraid of getting too deeply involved in it all, just when I feel I might be beginning to find my way to cope with the news of the engagement from a few weeks ago.
It’s been exactly three-months to the day (although, that was a Saturday), since May and I last met in person (this discounts the one occasion a few weeks ago where I believe I drove past her as she walked along the pavement with her brother…). I am sorry that we’ve not been able to meet up in this time, even though she has suggested that it could’ve happened at several points.
This post really isn’t about me… I still have my fears for her and, however much I try to distance myself from her, I cannot shake away my concerns. Again, I’m reluctant to take any of this personally or to heart, as I have no reason to believe that she has seen any of her other friends in that time and, I’m still asking myself, why?
There’s not a lot that I could do, whatever the true situation may be. I know she was well aware of this ‘unhealthiness‘ when we first met (she told me as much) but, it’s sad to see her suspected slide back down in to the same old state.
We’ve actually had a rather promising and productive week, as friends. Just as I’m trying to distance myself by not messaging her too often (I know that sounds cold), a text arrives to say how scared she is about a certain incident. She came straight to me, ahead of anyone else. I could question why she didn’t contact her fiancée but, I was delighted to be able offer reassurance. She then replied to say how she knew that she could only really get the best opinion from me. Well, okay, if do you say so… 😀
But, as soon as I turned to the question of whether she’d like to meet up soon (no date, no suggestions) – silence. Message read, without reply. Hmmmm…
Yesterday morning, I decided to send her a short story she had asked about a week or two earlier. It’s more of a first-person journal entry from my perspective of the day we first met. But, over 2,000 spread across three A4 pages, nonetheless!! I was concerned she might get the wrong impression over some of my views but, she read it straight away and loved it! She even had the acute audacity to remind me that I’d forgotten at least one event from the day (I could recall a second as well).
Maybe it’s just women… (No offence intended towards anyone!) You can’t love them, you can’t live with them and, it’s not even that straight-forward being friends with them…. 😳
(Of course, I am joking but, it helps to show that my mood is in better spirits this evening. ;-))
My first thought on this one takes me back to the time around and preceding my A-Levels, which should’ve ended in the summer of 2003 (but, I dropped out). The fact that I was going to quit seemed inevitable throughout the second year so, I don’t regret that decision now as much as I used to…
Brandon Bored 