So, I’m Struggling

It’s hard to ignore the fact that winter is very much on its way now.

Walking with the Animals

It’s not long since I arrived home from my first group CBT session with Positive Step (at the time I began writing this, anyway). That’s an experience I’ll have to share with you another time and hopefully tomorrow evening. I know; I really should write about it now while it’s fresh in my mind but, I like to try and keep my posts in chronological order and there may be something to gain from twenty-four hours of hindsight and reflection. It’s a very positive experience so far though. 🙂

Before I go on, I’d just like to apologise to anyone who may have been affected or ‘triggered’ by the subject of my previous post. I did hope that the headline would be enough to ‘warn’ people without placing a ‘TW’ in the opening paragraph but it has received a more minute response than I would’ve expected. I’m sorry if it did affect anyone in any way. This is an on-going situation where it’s hard for me to accept that there’s only so-much I can do to help someone I care about. Someone I’m concerned for. But, I aim to do everything that I can, as a friend.

Tonight, I want to write about the walk I went on with the group on Sunday. If we weren’t trapped in this winter weather that has spanned almost one-third of a twelve-month period then, I would’ve been able to share some photos with you all.

Weekly Photo Challenge: ‘Illumination’

For this week’s photo challenge, here is a photo you might have seen in a previous blog post, which I think was posted here on New Year‘s Day.

It was taken on top of the Clifton Suspension Bridge, about one-hour before 2013 arrived.

Apparently, it gets very busy up there around midnight each year. I didn’t stay for very long, without gloves and with the rain starting to fall so, there weren’t many other visitors by the time I departed. It nice to ‘escape’ and to see the bridge in all its twilight glory.

It was hard to pick only one, as these photos came out quite well, considering they were taken on my phone! 😉 I wish I’d also taken of the entire bridge from a distance, perhaps from a lower level following one of the roads.

On Recovering

Please don’t get too carried away by the title! Sadly, I haven’t (yet) discovered a permanent cure for depression.

This is going to be a fairly brief post on the benefits of recovering from a more common kind of illness, like the cold I’ve been suffering with for the past two days.

After work on Monday, I noticed my throat was sore and that I was feeling ever so slightly disorientated inside my head. I put it down to a possible occupational ailment but, I woke up the next morning with the running nose and the sneezes occasionally followed throughout Tuesday at work. I don’t think I helped myself by taking the wrong tablets to work with me that day… Instead of cold and flu pills, I was only carrying paracetamols, which don’t usually work as well for me… Well, both boxes are the same colour! 😉

Today I still felt quite rough at times, even after beginning to intended procedure of medicine last night. It’s fair to say that I woke up feeling brighter (even though that faded through the day) and, although my nose remains unclean, it’s flowing as fast or as frequently as the day before. So, I believe I am on the mend. 🙂

That’s the thing about getting ill and then recovering… I find it to be quite a ‘placebo’ of it’s own; helping me to feel better about and stronger within myself.

Do you also find this?

Illu nose nasal cavities (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you are suffering in a similar way at this moment (there are plenty of bugs around) then, I offer you my sympathy.

PS. I just gazed upon my favourite new word – Rhinorrhea – which, I assume, means ‘diarrhoea of the nose‘… 😀

 

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HNY

I can’t bring myself to say those three words at the moment so, I’m afraid you’ll have accept the acronym that at the head of this post, this evening (or, whatever time it is, where you are). If I say it, I won’t feel as though I mean it. That’s in no way a disrespect to anyone who may or may not be reading this; it’s simply my current state of mind.

All I have to keep me going until midnight.

I was tempted to title this ‘Happy? Not Yet‘ as I find myself ending yet another year on my own.

Those three items in the photo above are all I have to keep me going and I don’t even drink red wine!! If the contents of that bottle disappears tonight, it’ll be for the second time this year. I dislike alcohol but, I don’t know; when I feel this way and there’s an unopened Christmas gift lying around and no-one to share it with (I asked before; no-one likes red wine), I feel an urge to drink it.

Friends

What a good day I’ve had! 🙂

Until late last night, I was anticipating another ‘lonely’ day of walking around and exploring the local countryside with nothing more than my own company. But, after a late-night Facebook conversation, it became clear that my closest friend was keen to see me and for us to get out and do something together. We each had ideas of our own and would wait until the morning before making any decisions.

I was delighted to receive a text from her before I had a chance send one myself. Working spontaneously like that can actually be a good thing. From my own experiences, I can relate to how planning too much too far ahead can lead to anxious thoughts and feelings leading up to the event. That’s partly why I ‘failed’ to make arrive in time for my group walk yesterday.

Ashton Court Mansion

Today though, we were able to arrange a meeting place and later destination within a short space of time.

Poem: ‘My Yearning’

‘My Yearning’

Your head
Resting against mine
On our shoulders
We hold each other

Four arms
Wrapping us together
You rub my back
As I hold you closer

Concealing the warmth
Shelter from the cold
Sharing the love
As each day grows old

When words do not matter
No sound can disrupt
Time passes by
Just the two of us

Hair, entwined
A rainbow of colour
Our eyes do not meet
Until the moment’s just right

That feeling
I yearn for
Your memory
Cushioned within my heart

 

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Scared, Already!

Tomorrow is Halloween. A time where many people come together, get together and enjoy the annual occasion. I’m still not sure exactly what we’re supposed to be celebrating but, the experience remains unknown to me, after my than twenty-seven years on this planet. While other people will be enjoying themselves tomorrow night, I know I’ll be right here, alone.

Technically, I’ll be amongst family at home but, it isn’t the same. I yearn for my own life and friends.

As a kid, I was never allowed to go trick-or-treating, simply because my parents [read: “my dad“] wouldn’t allow me; ‘they’ didn’t believe in ‘celebrating evil spirits‘, of whatever it was my mum used to say. All I wanted was to dress up a bit, walk around the village with my friends and, of course, to fill my bag full of sweets and chocolates!

At this time each year then, if I’m not thinking of the fun times that others must be having or looking forward to then, I’m remembering what it was like to have my friends knock on the back door, each of them dressed up and waiting for me; only to find that I wasn’t allowed out with them. One friend even leant me a mask to wear one year but, I don’t think I even got to try it on.

A few days after that (in the UK, at least), we have Guy Fawkes night (aka. Bonfire Night, Fireworks Night… You know what I’m referring to). This is something I’ve not been involved with since I was a kid and I can’t remember why I (and we, as a family) stopped going. Was it because my sister didn’t like the noise? Was I afraid of the bangs and unpredictability? Maybe it was the beginnings of my anxiety.

Again, this year is like one of many others to have already gone by; I’d like to be out there with people but, I have nothing planned. On the 5th of November 2012, I’ll be sat right here, either at my laptop or stretched out in front of the TV. Writing this though, I can vaguely remember how we use to hold our own (small) fireworks display in our back garden – that could be one explanation for why we stopped ‘going out’. There was one year where the thick smoke from our fire bellowed out down the driveway, along the road and on to the main road – that left me feeling a fear as though the police were going to turn up and investigate!

I have actually taken the initiative to ask two people what their plans are for tomorrow night. This was last night but, I haven’t heard anything from either of them. I don’t really know who I’d like to spend these occasions and celebrations with… If I’m being honest, there’s no-one that special in my life right now. Does it really matter?

Please don’t let the tone of this post mislead you. I woke up yesterday feeling better than I have done for a little while. I’m not ‘happy’ as such but, after almost three-weeks deep inside a hole, I feel as though I can see the clouds in the otherwise blue sky, as I climb my way out. I’ve been talking to another blogger over the weekend who’s really helped me to get some things out and gain a little perspective. If you’re reading this then, you know who you are. I’ve already said it elsewhere but, thank you for being a friend. 🙂

I suppose I could ask you, dear reader…

What are your plans for the next six-days of celebration?

Poem: ‘Welcome, Winter!’

‘Welcome, Winter!’

Dark morning and early nights
Each and every day can feel like a fight
Work all day; no time to play
Things don’t always go ‘our way’

It is easy to feel down and low
But also, it’s important to know
When days are cold and though, not hot
It’s not to say that you must rot

Wrap up warm and face the fear
Time is precious, when loved ones are near
If all alone, do not stay at home
Life will continue and it’s ours to own!